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The Carystus Carrion
Issue Part II
Bringing Fake News and Lies to Carystus since Way Back When
The Oldest and Best Newspaper in Carystus
Best Looking Editor
Smartest Bear in Captivity
Truth through lies.
Issue Part II
Bringing Fake News and Lies to Carystus since Way Back When
The Oldest and Best Newspaper in Carystus
Best Looking Editor
Smartest Bear in Captivity
Truth through lies.
So after an enforced absence (must say cells are warmer and cosier than I remembered), The Carrion is back with a fun and fact filled edition for your delight, delectation and education. Or more likely to have a light chuckle over at somebody else's expense...
In this edition, we're going to look behind the scenes of some of the top alliances to see their inner workings. Or more likely our wretched editorial staff will just make something up.
We'll have interviews with some of the main characters from leading alliances, all of which represent major scoops for this award-winning newspaper and none of which contain a jot of truth as usual.
Behind the scenes
It's said [who by - Ed?] that the mark of a successful company is how they deal with situations when things go wrong. In a surprising moment of lucidity, the Editor suggested that the same might be true of alliances, so sent the poor downtrodden scribes off to research how the top alliances deal with complaints. After copious amounts of research, our venerable hacks retreated to the pub and made up a load of tosh as usual.
Invicta - Invicta don't publish the name of anyone responsible for complaints, but it turns out it's MAC-9. Mac is well-known throughout the game as one of the most level-headed, even-tempered and entirely rational people ever to have played Grepo, so it's certain that all complaints will be handled sensitively and tactfully, and seen through to a satisfactory resolution for all sides. Carrion Verdict - Outstanding. [Editor's note: You're spending every bit of that bribe he paid you on beer for all of us. This brings even our journalistic standards into disrepute.]
The Evil Empire - Astonishingly, TEE use an automated reply system, and we weren't able to get through to a human being to talk to there. Carrion Verdict - You probably need to talk to Putin. Good luck with that.
Rogue Traders - This alliance makes it very clear who is in charge of complaints, with their Head of Professional Services prominently named on their alliance profile. He is one of those characters who has the ability to unite every server he plays on, although usually in derision, and is a towering figure in the world of Grepo. Carrion Verdict - Nobody thinks more highly of this guy than The Carrion does, and we think he's absolutely useless. Perfect guy for this useless alliance who really don't seem to get the idea of gold trading.
Who Cares? - Good question, not us, that's for sure. Complaints are in the hands of Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber, so good luck trying. Carrion Verdict - Who cares?
Phobia - [Does anybody know anything at all about this lot? Do we recognise any of them enough to poke fun at? - Ed] Head of Complaints is Rangled. Or Notmad. Or Sorteper. One of those three, for sure, 'cos none of us have ever heard of anyone else in the alliance. We'll go for Rangled, on balance. Yeah, Rangled. It's Rangled. Has to be. Carrion Verdict - Doesn't really matter, as nobody has heard of any of them so won't be making complaints. Even to Rangled.
Written In Blood/Blood Hellraisers - Ah, we know this one. It's Ruthie2 and Batman000. Complaints are their speciality, nobody deals with them better. Carrion Verdict - If you ever need to complain to an alliance, complain to this one. They actually care. [More than you do about journalistic standards - Ed]
Nocturnos - That'll be Ra-Ceren. Any complaint likely to be dealt with by a link to an appropriate song on YouTube. Carrion Verdict - You won't complain twice, therapy is too expensive.
Dost Teknesi Hanedan [Isn't that an advertisement for a boat service in Fethiye? - ED] - the delightful and completely trustworthy gench. Carrion Verdict - Complete waste of time. This guy can be trusted about as far as you can throw him.
D.T.L - Ashley Buxey. Has the masterfully cunning strategy of not bothering to deal with issues until it's too late. Carrion Verdict - Sneaky but effective.
Interview with a Vampire
(Well, sounds better than saying an interview with random people from leading alliances, which would be a lie anyway as it's all made up...)
We thought we would try something a little different here, a round-table discussion between leaders from various alliances, moderated by the Editor.
Then we though how much easier it would be to just make it all up from the comfort of the public bar at the Bear's Arms, so we did that instead.
Leaders present:*
Invicta - MAC-9 (Mac)
TEE - we tried to get R2D2, but he wasn't available, so we got provoker lait (PL) instead
Rogue Traders - poopstan1111 (poops)
Who Cares? - Thizzle (Thiz)
Phobia - er.... Rangled. We got Rangled. Rangled it is. Rangled. (Rang)
Bloods - Ruthie2 (Ruth)
Nocturnos - Ra-Ceren (Ra)
DTH - gench (Git)
DTL - Ashley Buxey (Ash)
Ed: So how is the world going so far?
PL: Who says we are using borscht? We are not borschters. We do not use borscht. We are not even Russian. We are not funded by the Kremlin, we did not get Donald Trump elected and we did not fund the Brexit campaign. And we don't use borscht.
Ed: You what? Nobody mentioned soup. And we're talking about Carystus...
Git:
Ra:
Ruth: Well we're doing fine, we have a decent core and things are looking good.
Poops: We're killing stuff.
PL: No borscht.
Thiz: Who cares?
Git:
Rang: Er.. I'm not Rangled, you know...
PL: We're not borschters.
Mac: Do you lot never shut up? Enough of this nonsense already before I shut you up.
Git:
Ra:
Ruth: So how's everybody else doing?
Thiz: Who cares?
PL: We have no borscht, we don't use borscht, we're not borschters.
Git:
Mac: I'm gonna smash all your faces in.
PL: But we don't use borscht.
Ed: Can we get back to the discussion, please? PL, nobody mentioned borscht.
Poops: Can't we just kill somebody?
Git:
Mac: You lot are all mad! I hate you all.
PL: Look, we just don't use borscht.
Ed: Sigh. I think we'll just call it a day there.
Ash: Hello, nice to meet you all...
* Well....
Gossip Column
Sauces close to D.T.L are reported to be feeling very smug with the way things are going in terms of playing other alliances off against each other. Good work, guys, nice and sneaky. The Carrion approves of sneaky.
Dost Teknesi Hanedan appear to be falling out with everyone, in no small part down to the utterly charming personality of gench.
It's said that the soup-obsessed The Evil Empire appear to be having trouble farming ever since the 15th, it's almost as if someone had turned the tap off. Very odd.
Nobody has any rumours about Who Cares?, because, well, who cares?
Nobody has any rumours about Fight Club either, because nobody talks about Fight Club.
Rogue Traders are said to have the best looking diplo, best looking recruiter, and ugliest ops commander on the server.
Scuttlebutt is that Invicta's leaders don't really like or trust each other, but are muddling on for now.
That's all for now, hopefully the next edition will be out in a much quicker timeframe than this one. But I doubt it, given this shower.
