If Grepolis Were Real Life

DeletedUser

Guest
EPISODE #1

Defending a large empire would be inexplicably difficult

Military Advisor: Emperor Farg! An Acolyte of the god Inno has advised us that one of our cities is under attack.

Emperor: Which one of our powerful cities is being attacked?

Military Advisor: He doesn’t know which one.

Emperor: How is that possible? How does he even know a city is under attack?

Military Advisor: He claims a mysterious blinking icon has given him warning of an impending attack, but he has no other information about it.

Emperor: This is insanity. We have to waste time sending a runner to each of our cities to find out and warn them? Then send runners back so other cities may support the city in danger?

Military Advisor: It seems so my Emperor, however he did explain that if we offer 100 gold in tribute to the god Inno, we would be provided an Administrator. This Administrator is able to quickly read these blinking icons in detail and also ease the difficulty in trade and tax collections.

Emperor: So the only way we are able to swiftly defend a large empire, is to pay tribute to Inno?

Military Advisor: Yes my Emperor.


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EPISODE #2

Trying to gain an inappropriate edge would be illegal

Military Advisor: Emperor Farg! All citizen production, troop training and ship building has frozen. Additionally, we seem to be unable to give any commands or communicate with our allies.

Emperor: Great Zeus! This is horrible.

Military Advisor: That is not all my lord. Our sister empires, Farg1, Farg2, Farg3, Farg4, Farg5, Farg6, Farg7, Farg8, Farg9, Farg10, Farg11 have also been frozen in time.

Emperor: My plans for gaining extra combat experience by attacking myself and farming my own resources have been ruined. What craziness it this?

Military Advisor: . The god Inno has decreed that we have committed the sin of Multi and those sister empires are permanently abandoned.

Emperor: Do you mean we’ll have to make do with this single empire like everyone else?

Military Advisor: That is evidently the situation my Emperor.

Emperor: Curses!

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EPISODE #3

People would be born as adults of military age

High Counselor: My Emperor. We have identified a dwelling of the Turtle Cult on the edge of our empire.

Emperor: Athena shield us! This could be worse than when the Hare Krishnas were preaching at our harbors.

High Counselor: Yes my Emperor, they are known for their whining diplomats, grandiose libraries, high walls and safeguarding armies. They flourish in collectives called MRA's and spread via bacteria known as Pacts.

Emperor: I can't risk them infecting my armies with their pacifistic decrepitude. General, I want to you to attack and clear out that Turtle city.

General: My lord, attacking such a city would cost your army dearly in the lives of your soldiers. We could lose the entire army of this city and some from our other cities. An attack of this nature is very risky.

Emperor: Nonsense. Regardless of the number of dead, we’ll have an equal amount of new recruits of military age appear instantly. You merely need train and equip them.

High Priest: My Emperor, not only will those new subjects instantly appear, but if we offer 25 gold in tribute to the goddess Hera, their training time will be reduced to half the normal time required.

Emperor: You see General? Your Emperor and our gods will provide everything you need. Now go clear that Turtle city and keep all future Turtle blights from our frontiers.

General: So you have ordered, so it shall be done my lord.

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EPISODE #4

Getting a new start in life would be simple and you’d live forever

High Counselor: My Emperor, our cities are swiftly being conquered by our enemies. It is only a short time before they will arrive here, in the capitol of our empire.

Emperor: Grave news indeed. What we need is to do things over. Fix our mistakes, while finding better allies.

High Counselor: I’ve heard about this prayer we could use. It is called “Delete Account”. We say this prayer to the god Inno, and our empire and all responsibilities, troubles and enemies simply disappear.

Emperor: That sounds excellent, but how does that provide us a second chance?

High Counselor: Well my lord, after Inno accepts this prayer, we are offered many new but similar worlds that Inno will transport us to. There, we have a fresh start to fix our previous ineptitude.

Emperor: And I will be the same and I may start my new empire from scratch?

High Counselor: Yes my Emperor. In addition, all new neighbors will be around you for your armies to crush or to join you in your quest for expansion and glory.

Emperor: Aha! This is perfect. Notify my subjects that we will be moving to a new world.

High Counselor: Um my lord, they will not travel with you. Actually, they will cease to exist when you leave this world.

Emperor: A pity but of no real concern, for I am all that matters and I will be there unchanged! In this new world, I think I might even have light ships constructed and I shall use them to escort my attacking armies. Yes, that will be deviously fantastic. I’ll bet no one has thought of that before. I shall rule the world………..

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That is all for now folks, but I have many more episodes in the pipeline. I hope these bring a spot of humor to your day.
 
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DeletedUser30490

Guest
damnit i can rep you :/
ill go rep some unknow guys for fun and be back :D
 

DeletedUser18132

Guest
+rep for that.

I was laughing my butt off by the end! Very well done, I look forward to new episodes!
 

DeletedUser

Guest
I like. I want one from the turtles perspective that would be epic xD
 

DeletedUser11886

Guest
Do you mind if I add something? ;)

EPISODE #5

Messaging would take forever

Scribe: Sir, I have finished writing this important document to notify our alliance of the upcoming war.

Emperor: Yes, perfect. How long shall it take for it to arrive?

High Counselor: To those near us, four days and the ones further, four months.

Emperor:
By Gods! This was no issue when I sent our my mass messages to those in the beginning of my empire!

High Counselor: Sir, our empire has expanded from that point. Mere travel must take months, and to simply make small talk with another of our mighty cities would take years to complete!

Emperor: Does this mean that we are unable to communicate freely through my empire?

High Counselor: Yes my sire. Although, there is a feature which should allow us to easily message each other magically. It is called the forum... for some apparent reason, we are mysteriously able to communicate not only with our own cities but with many other cities far and wide!

Emperor: This is amazing! Post our battle plans on the forum immediately for all to see!

High Counselor: Sire, our enemies may be able to see our plans... and this cou--

Emperor: Hush now and obey my orders! We must use this new type of communication to drop the morale of our enemies by flaming them and insulting them! Perfect! We will use this to gain new cities for our empire!

High Counselor: Would it be wise to give our information away though?

Emperor: Of course not! We will not even post any details on our alliance at all. No oceans, no goals, no limits. I am a genius! New cities will be flocking towards me instantly!

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DeletedUser11886

Guest
Here's some more :)
EPISODE #6

Vacation Mode for N00Bs

High Counselor: Sir! We have multiple attacks incoming towards our gracious city!

Emperor: From who?

High Counselor: From xxXuberham6959Xxx!

Emperor: But... what have we ever done to him!? Quickly! Send him a plea to stop! SCRIBE!!!

Scribe: Yes sir?

Emperor: Write this, xxXuberham69 what ever his name is a plea for him to stop instantly! Make sure you write it in capital letters, and pretend we will destroy him! Hurry!

Scribe: Done!

High Counselor: Sir, I have another option we may use, Vacation Mode! We will be able to mysteriously disappear suddenly and be completely immune to attacks and hide for a set period of time in Elysium!

STILL CONSTRUCTING! WAIT XD
 
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DeletedUser25380

Guest
Maybe something along these lines...

EPISODE #7

You would wait for a seastorm to build new ships

Ship builder: Emperor! Some ship wreckages washed up on shore.

Emperor: Can you do something with it?

Ship builder: Well yes, it is in good condition and I have skilled labor which showed up miraculously at my site. I can get new vessels built.

Emperor: I order new vessels, we will be mighty powerful. A good thing as all our vessels and men are out at sea. I wonder where these wreckages come from and what happened to them, there could be a war or rough oceans... Build solid vessels.

High counselor: Oh, we know what happened, emperor. We got a notification that these are own vessels and men washing ashore, they encountered a sea storm and some kind of lightning coming from Zeus. The survivors then bravely continued their journey to our enemies' city and fought bravely, but were outnumbered and a lot perished.

Emperor: How unfortunate. How many survivors are back? I must go and congratulates them on their bravery.

High counselor None yet emperor, the travel back takes months.

Emperor: How is it so, the wreckages are already here? You had a notification you said?

High counselor: It cannot be explained my emperor.


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Feel free to improve it any way you like :)
 
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DeletedUser25380

Guest
EPISODE #8

The local farmers market would be replaced by a looting command center:

Merchant to villager: Sorry I am busy at the moment, my carriages are full, I cannot bring you any more resource, and I can't take any to the neighboring city.

Meanwhile in the city: Emperor to the colonel: This is a logistics nightmare, our warehouses are empty. Colonel, send some men to the nearest villages and collect resources which we are much of need of. Kill their defence if they called upon, loot if you will, get us as much resources as you can.

Colonel: Yes, my emperor.
Colonel turns around as soon as he has left.

Emperor to the colonel: Go, I said.

Colonel: The resources are here my emperor.

Emperor: ? What do you mean? Are there enough for our big wonders projects?

General Construction Contractor We are short my emperor.

Emperor: We need more resources and we need them now. Are the merchants trading?

High counselor:It appears the merchants are available, however they use bartering and there are complaints that the market is not good.
High counselor: Also the trades will take too long. However I hear of an advisor who has magical power to speed them up.

Emperor: Get that advisor immediately. And we'll send the soldiers again to the villages. And to other cities. We need a lot of resources. No, cancel that... I don't want a riot...

High counselor: There may be another way, we heard that some builders will build great structures with less resources if you give them a little gold.

Emperor: With less resources? We need these constructions to be solid, how could some do them with less resources?

General Construction Contractor My emperor, these builders cannot be relied on for your major wonders projects.

 

DeletedUser11886

Guest
Sorry guys I was going to include stuff like gold for vacation more and all that into my post but I'm on vacation again :p and I'm not bothered to.

Perhaps someone could make one on how attacking an empty ctiy kills men?
 

DeletedUser

Guest
EPISODE # 9​

General: Emperor! We must make haste and form the men into ranks! An enemy army from afar approaches!

Emperor: Nonsense, General, we must evacuate our soldiers and force the citizens to fend for themselves!

General: But Emperor, our citizens are not equipped to handle an army of this magnitude!
Our prayers to Athena tell us the attack consists of more than 1800 men!

Emperor: It makes no difference! We must only use our troops to defend my well being, in the event another
emperor invades with a colony ship! We'll take the children with us, so they may live to complete their
parents when they come of age!
 

DeletedUser

Guest
lol, yeah. I've always found the dynamics of dodging to be absurdely impossible in real life :p
 

DeletedUser39847

Guest
Episode #10


General: Emperor! We must make haste and pillage the city beside us to re-fill our depleted warehouse.

Emperor: Excellent General! the empty village will pose no threat to our force and the booty will be no effort to take!

General: Emperor i'm afraid we have lost 10% percent of our pillaging force.

Emperor: What?! how can that be? the city had no armies to protect it.

General: I thought it impossible Emperor but our troops died running into the wall.

Emperor: By the gods! How can this be? Could they not have climbed over it or walked threw the front door?
 

DeletedUser

Guest
They actually die because stuff falls on them :p
A rock falls of the wall and kills them ;)
 
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