Have I been cursed? Surely when I was but a suckling babe at my mothers breast, the gods placed a cursed upon my brow!
How does a coward such as I get stuck into the middle of a pack of ferocious demons? Clearly I was made to dance around maypoles, not slaughter innocents. And yet here I am. If there were ever evidence of a curse, this is it.
Not long ago, an emissary reached out to me. With all of my favorite things, wine, cheese, virgins, and was quite clear. Come join the righteous. Come and be a part of something less dangerous. Come and take part in the festivities and leave those barbaric monsters who suck the blood of babes and know nothing but murder and rape as a past time.
I asked for two days to pray to Hera and decide. What shall be my fate, goddess? I prayed and I prayed, seeking wisdom and a vision.
And a frightening vision came to me. I saw Hera. She came to me, hand outstretched. I took her hand in mine and I tell you friends, what a glorious feeling! We walked together in the garden and I she asked what troubled me. We talked for what felt like a lifetime. Spartans to the right of me, Heroes to the left of me, what to do?
Hera just smiled. We floated up into the air and traveled over the world. Island after island disappeared below and on we traveled, faster than the speed of any light ship. Eventually we came to a garden, with a maypole, and children laughing and dancing, and even the men and women were laughing and dancing. Their smiles on their faces were bright. My heart lept with joy. There was no murder. No rape. Only dancing, and food, and wine, and other spirits and play. No death. Just life.
And I looked at Hera with an expectancy in my eyes. Is this the answer? I shall go to them and be one with them and have life?
And then Hera led me through the crowd. And the men were all in a line, brave warriors all! And I knew it was time to greet each and every one of them. But then a strange thing happened. As I went to greet them, one at a time, with the traditional Spartan greeting, they stuck out there hand, as if to grasp it. It was unnatural. I decided if I were going to come to them, it must be as a Spartan, to let them know what they were getting. Therefore, I kicked them each and every one, square between the legs. When this happens to Spartan man, he grunts. The seriously weak ones may wince. But the reaction from these men was something I've never seen before. They were losing their wine and lunch onto the ground. They were lying down like children at nap time and rolling around upon the ground making loud cries, like infants.
And I thought to myself, if they cannot handle a Spartan greeting, how can they protect this coward from Spartans?
And as I thought that, Hera smiled upon me and said her first and last words, "You have your answer, coward."