Newspaper Poems for Carystus

Silver Witch

Strategos
Am I the only one that was expecting RT to write a limerick?

How about we have a limerick about RT ;)

RT
There once was a young Rogue named Thrust,
Whose words one just couldn't trust,
He tried to outsmart a witch,
But her spells made a switch,
And pants* down, he was rolled in the dust.

smiley_emoticons_hexefliegend.gif


* oops i meant socks!
 

DeletedUser46391

Guest
Sour grapes Richard dear? Probably what I should expect from a Propaganda Trader!

Sour Grapes

Chivalry, Chivalry,
Chivalry please.
Why must you criticise?
Why must you tease?
Is there a better way,
To tell a story, pray?
Then on another day,
I will appease.

smiley_emoticons_hexefliegend.gif
How about we have a limerick about RT ;)

RT
There once was a young Rogue named Thrust,
Whose words one just couldn't trust,
He tried to outsmart a witch,
But her spells made a switch,
And pants* down, he was rolled in the dust.

smiley_emoticons_hexefliegend.gif


* oops i meant socks!

Are you 100% sure you want to do this Silver..?

Because I can put some actual time in if you want.

Have no illusions. I am throwing you a lifeline here.
 

DeletedUser46391

Guest
OK,
But you asked.

But! Before I do, I'd just like to say I'm fully aware you are a mod and although I'm quite worried this is the level of communication we are at I think this will help in the long run.

I'm going to critique these a tiny bit then write a poetic response of my own as an example of things you can do. I'll be looking at metre, breath, musicality, and use of wording. At no point will there be any malice in the critique or in the suggestions that will be made. I happen to be a fan of poetry and would like to see genuine improvement.

I will not be looking at grammar etc as it is against the forum rules and tbh a bit unneeded, petty and pedantic.
Sour Grapes - Best part of this poem

Chivalry, Chivalry, - M6, S2
Chivalry please. - M 4, S2
Why must you criticise? - M6, S3
Why must you tease? - M 4, S2
Is there a better way, - M6, S2
To tell a story, pray? - M6, S2
Then on another day, - M6, S2
I will appease. - M 4, S2

smiley_emoticons_hexefliegend.gif

This kind of struggles at the end of the stanza (last 3 lines). What you really need to do before you post a basic unedited child's poem like this is to read it out loud first. This will help you to discover if the metre or stresses are off. If you notice next to each line above I have put a Mx and a Sx so you can see what I mean.

As childish as they are the first 2 lines are not too bad. They have a few presentation issues but do well to establish a nice rhythm to the work. The third line struggles. The metre is fine but the word criticize throws the rhythm established in the first two lines due to the stresses used. Line four is also not bad and provides consistency with regards to the first two lines (in terms of beats). It is very obvious that lines 5,6 and 7 have not been read out loud either. I suggest this because line 7 destroys the musicality and would consider either reworking or better yet removing completely then reworking the last line. These lines are also impressively non-sequitur and sadly fail at being humorous alongside it wich links into the next contentious issue.

This poem struggles with consistency. Poems of this kind benefit greatly by focusing in on a point. This one tries to make to many in an attempt to fit and ends up not making one at all because of it.

All in all for a pre-teen you have done pretty well and would do even better if you heeded the critique in the future.

Rules that would greatly help are:

Read out loud
Make sure every word contributes to the overall presentation of the work.

If you would like to read further into this I'd recommend Ezra Pound 'A Retrospect'.

Next post we will look at the limerick.
 

Silver Witch

Strategos
OK,
But you asked.

But! Before I do, I'd just like to say I'm fully aware you are a mod and although I'm quite worried this is the level of communication we are at I think this will help in the long run.

I'm going to critique these a tiny bit then write a poetic response of my own as an example of things you can do. I'll be looking at metre, breath, musicality, and use of wording. At no point will there be any malice in the critique or in the suggestions that will be made. I happen to be a fan of poetry and would like to see genuine improvement.

I will not be looking at grammar etc as it is against the forum rules and tbh a bit unneeded, petty and pedantic.
Sour Grapes - Best part of this poem

Chivalry, Chivalry, - M6, S2
Chivalry please. - M 4, S2
Why must you criticise? - M6, S3
Why must you tease? - M 4, S2
Is there a better way, - M6, S2
To tell a story, pray? - M6, S2
Then on another day, - M6, S2
I will appease. - M 4, S2

smiley_emoticons_hexefliegend.gif

This kind of struggles at the end of the stanza (last 3 lines). What you really need to do before you post a basic unedited child's poem like this is to read it out loud first. This will help you to discover if the metre or stresses are off. If you notice next to each line above I have put a Mx and a Sx so you can see what I mean.

As childish as they are the first 2 lines are not too bad. They have a few presentation issues but do well to establish a nice rhythm to the work. The third line struggles. The metre is fine but the word criticize throws the rhythm established in the first two lines due to the stresses used. Line four is also not bad and provides consistency with regards to the first two lines (in terms of beats). It is very obvious that lines 5,6 and 7 have not been read out loud either. I suggest this because line 7 destroys the musicality and would consider either reworking or better yet removing completely then reworking the last line. These lines are also impressively non-sequitur and sadly fail at being humorous alongside it wich links into the next contentious issue.

This poem struggles with consistency. Poems of this kind benefit greatly by focusing in on a point. This one tries to make to many in an attempt to fit and ends up not making one at all because of it.

All in all for a pre-teen you have done pretty well and would do even better if you heeded the critique in the future.

Rules that would greatly help are:

Read out loud
Make sure every word contributes to the overall presentation of the work.

If you would like to read further into this I'd recommend Ezra Pound 'A Retrospect'.

Next post we will look at the limerick.

Thanks Richard, i didn't know you cared. I'm always happy to improve on things. Will check out Ezra Pound. Cant wait for the next one!
 

DeletedUser46391

Guest
Thanks Richard, i didn't know you cared. I'm always happy to improve on things. Will check out Ezra Pound. Cant wait for the next one!

Even though he's a war criminal whose life was saved by T.S Eliot he is important to read and understand if you don't want to read like a stay at home mum who cant get past basic rhyming and centering all your poems etc.

If you get caught out on any of it let me know and I can go through it with you.

I'm editing a dissertation most of today but should be able to respond to messages in-game pretty quickly if needed.
 

Silver Witch

Strategos
To My Teacher

There once was a young Rouge named Rich,
Who assisted a poetic witch,
He corrected metres and stress,
Her faults to redress,
And thereafter she wrote without hitch.


smiley_emoticons_hexefliegend.gif
 

DeletedUser46395

Guest
To My Teacher

There once was a young Rouge named Rich,
Who assisted a poetic witch,
He corrected metres and stress,
Her faults to redress,
And thereafter she wrote without hitch.


smiley_emoticons_hexefliegend.gif

That's actually very clever - the line about corrected metres and stress being the only one with really horrible metre and stress. ;)
 
Last edited by a moderator:

DeletedUser46391

Guest

To My Teacher

There once was a young Rouge named Rich, - Not been called young in years thankyou :)
who assisted a poetic witch,
he corrected her metre and stress,
and her faults he did try to redress,

And thereafter she wrote without hitch.

smiley_emoticons_hexefliegend.gif

If you want to send any non-rhyming not grep ones in game ping them over.
 

Silver Witch

Strategos
The Carrion

There once was a wiley old Bear,
Whose newspaper always showed flair,
But the insults he's using,
Are the cause of some bruising,
And may cause unrest in his lair.


smiley_emoticons_hexefliegend.gif
 

DeletedUser46391

Guest
The Carrion

There once was a wiley old bear,
whose newspaper always showed flair,
but the words he was using,
were the cause of some bruising,
and may cause unrest in his lair.

smiley_emoticons_medusa.gif

OK. Childmode *sigh*

There once was a boy called Macnine
who thought disrespect was a crime
he'd shout and he'd scream till his cheekies went green
but adults dismissed it as whines.
 

DeletedUser46395

Guest
There once was a grumpy old bear,
Who had a most comforting lair
For all of his friends
Quite agreed with his ends
and thought that his actions were fair.
 

DeletedUser46395

Guest
In Carystus' various seas
Alliances could not agree
On how to fight Borschters
The dirty old rotters.
The winners? Why, T double E.
 

DeletedUser46395

Guest
A crafty old leader called Heather *
Thought she was remarkably clever
"We'll work with the cheetahs!
That'll make us world beaters!"
The odds of that working? Well, never.

* Oh, there doesn't appear to be a Heather, my imagination playing up again.
 

Silver Witch

Strategos
I have never said my poems were good. I like writing them and over the years of doing so lots seem to have enjoyed reading them. This is a game, If you have literary skills thats great but mostly this is just for lighthearted fun. As for mine if you don't like them don't read them.

Having said that, I'd love to make them better. Richard is more kind outside these pages and suggests 'try a sonnet' so here is one for christmas. Theres been a lot of bad feeling all over the server recently, so crack open a good bottle and chill ;)



Merry Chistmas

I like to post for fun to tease you guys,
Make light of words of wasps whose stings surround,
So thank you Rich for hints, and now rewound
I dare to fly again Carystus skies.

Lets strive to win the hearts of our allies,
Heal insults voiced in anger, aimed to wound,
Together spread some goodwill all around
And have a merry time at christmastide.

Some play for fun, not seeking to be kings,
While others, they desire to win renown,
Dissension gifts to enemies their wings,
Cooperation beckons to a crown.

Whichever one you are, think on these things,
Whether t’wards me you are green, red or brown.


smiley_emoticons_hexefliegend.gif
 

DeletedUser50245

Guest
I have never said my poems were good. I like writing them and over the years of doing so lots seem to have enjoyed reading them. This is a game, If you have literary skills thats great but mostly this is just for lighthearted fun. As for mine if you don't like them don't read them.

Having said that, I'd love to make them better. Richard is more kind outside these pages and suggests 'try a sonnet' so here is one for christmas. Theres been a lot of bad feeling all over the server recently, so crack open a good bottle and chill ;)



Merry Chistmas

I like to post for fun to tease you guys,
Make light of words of wasps whose stings surround,
So thank you Rich for hints, and now rewound
I dare to fly again Carystus skies.

Lets strive to win the hearts of our allies,
Heal insults voiced in anger, aimed to wound,
Together spread some goodwill all around
And have a merry time at christmastide.

Some play for fun, not seeking to be kings,
While others, they desire to win renown,
Dissension gifts to enemies their wings,
Cooperation beckons to a crown.

Whichever one you are, think on these things,
Whether t’wards me you are green, red or brown.


smiley_emoticons_hexefliegend.gif
I love it
smiley_emoticons_kleeblatt2.gif
 

DeletedUser53656

Guest
The limit of my contribution is "Roses are red, Violets are blue. most poems rhyme, this one doesn't!" so I am a big fan of your poems Silver Witch, keep them coming. Timo
 
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