Pnp The Fairytale of Nagidos

Bearissimus

Phrourach
Once upon a time in a land far, far away there was a beautiful but vain and evil Queen MBCZ. Her prized possession was a magical talking mirror that always told the truth. On the morning in question, she sat down in front of the mirror and asked “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?”.

The mirror replied “Why Bear, of course, even Witchy says he’s reasonably fair.” The Queen snapped back “Don’t be silly, you know I mean who’s the best-looking!”

“Well that would be Richard Thrust, fool” replied the mirror. Enraged by the mention of her nemesis, Queen MBCZ hurled the mirror to the floor, shattering it into a myriad of shards of reflections. “Temper, temper, that’s 7 years bad luck” giggled the slivers of light from all over the floor…


Not far away was the SMYN Bridge over the river. The bridge was guarded by a fierce but incomprehensible troll, Phil. Anyone wanting to cross the bridge would be subjected to questioning by Phil, and eaten by him if they were much smaller than him or couldn’t answer his questions.

Up trotted Little Witchunter General Goat Gruff. “whosthattrittrottingovermybridge” asked the troll.

“It is I, Little Witchunter General Goat Gruff” replied Little Witchunter General Goat Gruff, “and I would cross your bridge to make battle with the oppressors of small goats everywhere, you big lummox.”

“youllhavetoansweraquestionfirst” said the troll. “Hm[oihdefhosfgwefiuywrfgwr wfsDFSDdfgerdffgafdgwpeufgwibeiwfuggfepiwqiugrfbPUFirgfpwuibgdf?”

“Fie and away with you!” shouted Little Witchunter General Goat Gruff, “I’ve got the measure of you!” and ran away, still shouting abuse at the troll.


Nearby was the SMYN house. SMYN stands for “Seven Men of Youthful Nature”, a euphemism for the fact that they weren’t quite as fully-grown as might be expected, given their age. Or in English, they were dwarves…

We’ve already met Grumpy, the only troll among the dwarves. The others included Cheeky, who had already decided to retire and leave the whole mess up to the others, and Uphisownbacksidey, or Spongey for short. (Er, aren’t they all short, they’re Dwarves – Ed)

They were terrible at keeping their house clean, so when Evil Queen MBCZ happened to wander through the forest, they saw a perfect opportunity. “Why don’t you look after the house, make it all lovely and Wonderful, while we go out and have very limited fun protecting you?” asked the dwarves. At this point, Evil Queen MBCZ and her camp followers (and indeed the straight ones, too) all went off and had a vote on it, as did the Seven Persons of Diminished Stature. “It’s a deal!” they all said, despite the thinnest of majorities in the votes…

Grumpy and MBCZ began to sing: “You’re handsome,” sang MBCZ. “youreprettyqueenofN…” replied Grumpy, before the Editor reminded them that this was a different Fairy Story. “agidos…” Grumpy finished, to the backing of the Boys of the SMYN choir singing “Galway Bay”, before moving on to their favourite “SMYN”, a reworking of the classic “YMCA” with added homoeroticism.

A short distance away in another clearing, Little Red Riding Ruth was talking to a Wolf. “What big eyes you have”, said Little Red Riding Ruth. “All the better to see you with my dear,” replied Foo. Sorry, The Big Bad Wolf. With that, she kicked him in The Unmentionables, and ran off. It’s not at all clear to the author why this clearing was called The Unmentionables, but it makes for a better story. So off he went to look for Pigs with dubiously-constructed houses instead…

And perhaps unsurprisingly, there was yet another clearing with a little house a bit further along. Evil Queen MBCZ appeared, her golden locks flowing in the breeze. The householder appeared. “Bugger off”, he said. “Don’t you even think of breaking in and getting into my bed, I’m not interested in you. And if you steal my breakfast and break my chair, I’ll be like a Bear with a sore head. I mean I’ll BE a Bear with a sore head.”

So back to the castle skipped Evil Queen MBCZ, to find a party in full swing to celebrate the forthcoming marriage between the House of Caustic and the House of Robbing Dwarves (the amalgamation to be known as the House of CaRDs). In one corner, Little Red Riding Ruth had dressed as her grandmother (much to the annoyance of the cross-dressing wolf) and sat spinning a yarn. No, not telling stories, I mean literally. Evil Queen MBCZ walked over and touched the wheel – and collapsed, having been pricked by the needle, saying as she fell “I feel a little…” (NO! Just NO! Don’t go there – Ed).

Immediately the whole room fell asleep, and simmed slept for a hundred years.

Finally, in walked the Handsome Prince. Well, a Prince anyway – Phil. (Did I mention he was not only a Dwarf Troll, but a prince? No? My bad.)

He walked over to the sleeping Queen, and said “imnotkissingthatiwouldratherkissafrog”, and walked out. Immediately everyone woke up; all the magic spells were broken, and the Great Merge was off.

Amidst a wail of bickering, nobody involved lived happily ever after.


The Endor is it?
 
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