The Intruder (Short Story)

DeletedUser31385

Guest
I pieced this together in about an hour. Please tell me what you think.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It all began on a warm summer evening. I was home at my house with a friend. I was up late working on a game. *SHATTER*

“Did something just break?”, I asked. “Gosh it’s dark outside, I can’t see a thing. I should go and check.”

I slowly opened up my bedroom door and went out into the entryway. I looked around and saw nothing. All of a sudden, a black figure came up to the window. The window cracked and broke with a loud boom.

“This can’t be happening to me! If I make a mistake I surely will not live.”, I said.

The man stepped inside and punched me until I blacked out. I woke up in deep pain.

“Ow! My body hurts, I am hungry and tired.”, I said.

The intruder was gone. I went and looked around. I went through the shattered window, and found a crowbar in the front lawn. I picked it up and went back inside. I tried to open the door to the main hall, but it was locked. I thrust the crowbar through the door and broke the lock. I then got the door open. I went into the main hall and got to the kitchen door. At that time I heard more breaking glass.

“H-h-he-he’s Back!”, I exclaimed.

“No more messing around!”, said the intruder.

He pulled out a gun and loaded it.

“Hes got a gun!”, I exclaimed with terror.

*BANG!* He fired his first shot… I was not quick enough and got hit in the leg. Blood was dripping onto the floor. I started jumping around although I was in horrible pain. *POW!* The second shot was fired. It broke a hinge on the kitchen door. *BAM!* He fired again and the other hinge snapped. I pushed the door down and limped as quickly as possible to my friend’s room. I knocked on the door and I heard him get up.

“Who’s there?”, asked my friend.

“It’s me”, I said.

“Oh, why are you up so late?”, he asked.

The intruder crept through the kitchen door and aimed his gun at me. He fired and shot the door. My friend quickly unlocked it and I bolted inside. We went and pushed the dresser up against the door. The intruder furiously tried to open the door, and all of a sudden the noise stopped. I backed up and looked around. I suddenly heard the window shatter. My friend cried out for help as the intruder pulled him outside the window. I heard a loud scream and then silence. I felt a surge of courage and ran outside. I found my friend lying dead in the street. He had a terrified look on his face. His clothes were in tatters as if he had been whipped. He had a puncture wound on the side of his neck and there was a trail of bloody footprints. I saw the intruder and shined a light towards him. He was pure black. The light did nothing, it was as if he was absorbing it. I ran back into the house as fast as I could. I went through the broken window outside my room and ran into the kitchen. I sprinted down the hallway and got to my dad’s room.
I opened up the door and ran inside. I woke him up and quickly explained what had happened. He grabbed his shotgun and opened the door with great force. Outside stood the intruder. My dad fired and the bullet pierced its skin.

It spoke “Ha, ha! You can’t kill me fools.”

My dad fired again and pitch black blood spattered across the floor. It fell down and screamed. He fired again, but this time it turned into black smoke. The 4th shot went right through it. I screamed as it charged right through my dad and lunged at me.

To be Continued...
 
Last edited:

DeletedUser49197

Guest
Gasp! And, man, your dad and your friend didn't hear the gun shots and everything?
 

Varun

Strategos
Ok. This is hurried job at the most.

My views:

1. Windows or window panes do not make with a 'boom'. They shatter.
2. The main character thought that he/she is going to die as soon as he/she heard the window shatter. The first thought would be whether if someone threw a rock or something to break the window.
3. 'Why are you up so late?' What in the world?! That's not a question that is raised after 3 gunshots.
4. Please how did the friend get his clothes in tatters that fast? Unless he was sleeping in a paper bag...
5. 'Surge of courage' - Not possible. First instinct would be fear or rage, even. But not courage. Not when you are seeing your friend being dragged out of a window and then shot.
6. Plus, how was the puncture wound made? If it was a gun, then why don't we hear the shot?

My suggestions:

A complete revamp.
 

DeletedUser27128

Guest
Not a bad effort, but it will be way better by working on the things Varun said above :p
 

DeletedUser23986

Guest
1. Windows or window panes do not make with a 'boom'. They shatter.
2. The main character thought that he/she is going to die as soon as he/she heard the window shatter. The first thought would be whether if someone threw a rock or something to break the window.
3. 'Why are you up so late?' What in the world?! That's not a question that is raised after 3 gunshots.
4. Please how did the friend get his clothes in tatters that fast? Unless he was sleeping in a paper bag...
5. 'Surge of courage' - Not possible. First instinct would be fear or rage, even. But not courage. Not when you are seeing your friend being dragged out of a window and then shot.
6. Plus, how was the puncture wound made? If it was a gun, then why don't we hear the shot?
2. it was his thought after he saw a black figure coming to the window and it breaks. Definitely, he can realise its an intruder.
4, 6 - maybe you will get an answer later

1,3,5 - I agree fully.

good effort though...
 

Varun

Strategos
2. it was his thought after he saw a black figure coming to the window and it breaks. Definitely, he can realise its an intruder.

Yeah but my question is that how did the thought of dying come that quick? It was almost as if the main character was feeling threatened for some reason.
 

DeletedUser31385

Guest
Yeah but my question is that how did the thought of dying come that quick? It was almost as if the main character was feeling threatened for some reason.

I will make some changes to it.
 

DeletedUser8396

Guest
Only open if you actually want my feedback. If not, leave it be. Up to you:

• “It all began” beginning. Brought this up in your other story. Poor start, done billions of times, ineffective.
• Summer evening are almost always warm. Saying a “warm summer evening” is redundant.
• “I was HOME at my HOUSE” – redundant.
• “Working on a game”? Playing? Or is he making a game?
• Don’t have the “*shatter*”, instead, explain it through the character’s senses or, at least, put it in a separated, line breaked section in italics.
• The character, just after hearing his windows shatter, asks if something broke. He already knows something did. The proper train of thought would be “what just broke”.
• After knowing something has broken (or at least thinking so), he says it’s dark. And that he should go check. An individual would check no matter the lighting, and you just said it was evening so it is likely still enough light outside and you need to change to night or indicate some time progression.
• “A black figure” is a bit bland of a description. Try digging a bit deeper in your vocabulary to give us a truly ghastly figure.
• The window breaks. First, with a…boom? Is he using explosives? On a window? No no. As Varun said, shatter.
• Also, why are there so many shatters? What was the first? Does this black figure simply have a vendetta against all windows? Was the first window not good enough for him? Was t=it too small? How fat is this assailant and, if fat, are we to be terrified of someone he could outrun? Im kidding here, but seriously, it makes no sense for there to be two shatters – especially if unexplained.
• After seeing a black figure your character immediately goes to potential loss of life? Instantly? He doesn’t know what’s happening yet. I wouldn’t be scared for my life immediately just because some black figure is outside my shattered window. I’d think I’m being robbed ad think to call the cops…
• Way to quick an escalation after the window scene to punching. No build to climax of contact.
• The person thinks the intruder left after one punch? This intruder is just weird. Not creepy or mysterious. Unless of course the intruder didn’t leave, in which case there should be some wonder by the character. No one breaks a window(s) to punch someone once.
• So, you’re telling me, this guy went outside through a shattered window (instead of his door), grabbed a crowbar, realized the door is the logically superior option, realized he left it locked, and proceeds to break the door down with said crowbar instead of just going back through the window? No. Or is it he crawled outside through the window (still instead of the door), picked up the crowbar, proceeded back through the window, and then broke down his own door inside his home? Still no, but somewhat better I guess.
• More glass? This intruder sucks and is not to be feared. He only breaks glass and throws singular punches (pre gunshot of course). Point is, he’s breaking too much glass. Makes no sense.
• Waaaaayyyy too much stuttering. A bit is fine, but 4 tries at the word? I mean, if its medical, fine, but that’s a nit much.
• “No more messing around” – such as random punches and a strange glass-breaking fetish? Seems a bit fast to escalate to a gun… Point is, we haven’t built enough tension to even fear this guy.
• He sat there and loaded his gun? In front of the victim? And the victim sat there this whole time? Didn’t run or hide? He’s loading it. If it’s a long reload, the intruder would have it preloaded. If not, there’s adequate time to run. If quick reload, the intruder still would have it loaded. Makes no sense for him to load it.
• Again, italics for BANG
• “He fired his first shot” – word syntax doesn’t fit the speed of the prior action. Either skipping directly to the leg (as we can easily assume the gun was fired by the bang (unless we think it’s ANOTHER window…) or you can make it quicker to the effect of something like “First shot fired!” Another method would be to instead slow it waaaay down, like events felt slower. But what you’re doing is somewhere in the middle and it feels a bit strange. To me at least. I’m being a bit nit picky.
• Of course he wasn’t fast enough. It was a gun (although…he had time to reload, so he shouldve been long gone)
• Point out the injury more dramatically. Perhaps dialogue. And have him yelling…it’s a gunshot and the character is silent as a mouse.
• The intruder shoots two hinges? He either has the best aim, the worst aim, or secretly wants to add easy plotlines. Shooting one hinge, fine. Two? A bit ridiculous.
• He knocked down a door…with a shot to the leg? I guess with two hinges gone, fine, but still seems eh…
• Wait. Wait wait wait. With all the windows shattering, punches thrown, crowbars thrusted, and gunshots fired – this friend didn’t wake up? What? Or did he hear it and hide? Need explanation.
• “Who’s there” seems stupid to ask. He obviously lives with or is temporarily staying with this guy. Unless he was hiding and heard everything, but this isnt explained whatsoever.
• “It’s me” – this friend would be saying more than his identity. Possily explaining the situation in brief.
• “Why are you up so late” – if he heard this situation, this question is very ill placed. If he didn’t hear the situation and just woke up, refer to three points prior.
• And another window…
• This friend was dumb enough to sit next to the window? Or did the intruder crawl through the window?
• Are these guys incapable of fighting back?
• Still no cops?
• Your friend was dead in the street with a terrified look. Of course he did, if he had any look at all.
• The intruder had time to whip the friend? Jesus he either acts fast or this character asks SUPER slowly. And still no cops.
• Is this about some beast? If so, I understand the ambiguity. If so, then paint it that way. Make it strange. Don’t give less explanation and call it mystery. Give seemingly contradictory information and make me ask questions. If not intentionally mysterious in describing the scene, then explain it more anyway, but directly.
• Again through a window? These kids never heard of a door? They deserve death…
• His Dad slept through 3 gunshots and a whipping scene?
 

DeletedUser31385

Guest
Only open if you actually want my feedback. If not, leave it be. Up to you:

• “It all began” beginning. Brought this up in your other story. Poor start, done billions of times, ineffective.
• Summer evening are almost always warm. Saying a “warm summer evening” is redundant.
• “I was HOME at my HOUSE” – redundant.
• “Working on a game”? Playing? Or is he making a game?
• Don’t have the “*shatter*”, instead, explain it through the character’s senses or, at least, put it in a separated, line breaked section in italics.
• The character, just after hearing his windows shatter, asks if something broke. He already knows something did. The proper train of thought would be “what just broke”.
• After knowing something has broken (or at least thinking so), he says it’s dark. And that he should go check. An individual would check no matter the lighting, and you just said it was evening so it is likely still enough light outside and you need to change to night or indicate some time progression.
• “A black figure” is a bit bland of a description. Try digging a bit deeper in your vocabulary to give us a truly ghastly figure.
• The window breaks. First, with a…boom? Is he using explosives? On a window? No no. As Varun said, shatter.
• Also, why are there so many shatters? What was the first? Does this black figure simply have a vendetta against all windows? Was the first window not good enough for him? Was t=it too small? How fat is this assailant and, if fat, are we to be terrified of someone he could outrun? Im kidding here, but seriously, it makes no sense for there to be two shatters – especially if unexplained.
• After seeing a black figure your character immediately goes to potential loss of life? Instantly? He doesn’t know what’s happening yet. I wouldn’t be scared for my life immediately just because some black figure is outside my shattered window. I’d think I’m being robbed ad think to call the cops…
• Way to quick an escalation after the window scene to punching. No build to climax of contact.
• The person thinks the intruder left after one punch? This intruder is just weird. Not creepy or mysterious. Unless of course the intruder didn’t leave, in which case there should be some wonder by the character. No one breaks a window(s) to punch someone once.
• So, you’re telling me, this guy went outside through a shattered window (instead of his door), grabbed a crowbar, realized the door is the logically superior option, realized he left it locked, and proceeds to break the door down with said crowbar instead of just going back through the window? No. Or is it he crawled outside through the window (still instead of the door), picked up the crowbar, proceeded back through the window, and then broke down his own door inside his home? Still no, but somewhat better I guess.
• More glass? This intruder sucks and is not to be feared. He only breaks glass and throws singular punches (pre gunshot of course). Point is, he’s breaking too much glass. Makes no sense.
• Waaaaayyyy too much stuttering. A bit is fine, but 4 tries at the word? I mean, if its medical, fine, but that’s a nit much.
• “No more messing around” – such as random punches and a strange glass-breaking fetish? Seems a bit fast to escalate to a gun… Point is, we haven’t built enough tension to even fear this guy.
• He sat there and loaded his gun? In front of the victim? And the victim sat there this whole time? Didn’t run or hide? He’s loading it. If it’s a long reload, the intruder would have it preloaded. If not, there’s adequate time to run. If quick reload, the intruder still would have it loaded. Makes no sense for him to load it.
• Again, italics for BANG
• “He fired his first shot” – word syntax doesn’t fit the speed of the prior action. Either skipping directly to the leg (as we can easily assume the gun was fired by the bang (unless we think it’s ANOTHER window…) or you can make it quicker to the effect of something like “First shot fired!” Another method would be to instead slow it waaaay down, like events felt slower. But what you’re doing is somewhere in the middle and it feels a bit strange. To me at least. I’m being a bit nit picky.
• Of course he wasn’t fast enough. It was a gun (although…he had time to reload, so he shouldve been long gone)
• Point out the injury more dramatically. Perhaps dialogue. And have him yelling…it’s a gunshot and the character is silent as a mouse.
• The intruder shoots two hinges? He either has the best aim, the worst aim, or secretly wants to add easy plotlines. Shooting one hinge, fine. Two? A bit ridiculous.
• He knocked down a door…with a shot to the leg? I guess with two hinges gone, fine, but still seems eh…
• Wait. Wait wait wait. With all the windows shattering, punches thrown, crowbars thrusted, and gunshots fired – this friend didn’t wake up? What? Or did he hear it and hide? Need explanation.
• “Who’s there” seems stupid to ask. He obviously lives with or is temporarily staying with this guy. Unless he was hiding and heard everything, but this isnt explained whatsoever.
• “It’s me” – this friend would be saying more than his identity. Possily explaining the situation in brief.
• “Why are you up so late” – if he heard this situation, this question is very ill placed. If he didn’t hear the situation and just woke up, refer to three points prior.
• And another window…
• This friend was dumb enough to sit next to the window? Or did the intruder crawl through the window?
• Are these guys incapable of fighting back?
• Still no cops?
• Your friend was dead in the street with a terrified look. Of course he did, if he had any look at all.
• The intruder had time to whip the friend? Jesus he either acts fast or this character asks SUPER slowly. And still no cops.
• Is this about some beast? If so, I understand the ambiguity. If so, then paint it that way. Make it strange. Don’t give less explanation and call it mystery. Give seemingly contradictory information and make me ask questions. If not intentionally mysterious in describing the scene, then explain it more anyway, but directly.
• Again through a window? These kids never heard of a door? They deserve death…
• His Dad slept through 3 gunshots and a whipping scene?

Thanks. I was half-asleep writing this. I will make changes when I get a chance.
 
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