Newspaper The Sidon Incider Issue 6

DeletedUser46395

Guest
***** The Sidon Incider Volume I Issue 6 *****
**** The Oldest and Best Newspaper in Sidon ****
*** Voted "Best Newspaper in Sidon" 3 years running ***
** The Originators of Fake News **
* Bringing you the Truth Through Lies since breakfast time *​


EDITORIAL: Introduction

Welcome to the first edition of the Sidon Incider. {Sub editor: Boss, boss, you've spelt "Insider" wrong, you've spelt it like "cider". Ed: Yes, that's right. You've seen the state the news team are normally in....}

So why another newspaper when this world is uncommonly well served by factual reporting? Well there's your reason, it's clearly in need of something much less factual. Plus House of Bear Publishing needs an income boost. And anyway, we got here first - or we will have done, once we get the time machine working that Bear paid a pile of gold for. And if that fails, we'll just send the fliers round to Sidon Today House and torch the place...

So for those of you not used to the House of Bear Publishing style of newspapers, what can you expect? Our proud claim is to bring you the "Truth Through Lies". Other papers faithfully quote alliance leaders word for word. We tell you what they're REALLY* thinking by making stuff up. Just like real-world newspapers, except we tell you that we're doing it....

* OK, well perhaps we tell you what we think they're really thinking - but at least it's what we really think they're really thinking, we're not making that bit up... well, not always.

So fasten your seatbelt - yes, even in New Hampshire - it's going to be a wild ride. Perhaps.

CONTENTS

So what's in this delectable daily dose of delightful drivel? {Ed: It's not daily. No way could we keep the news team sober for long enough. Or me, for that matter.}

We're not going to look at the top 10 alliances. Way too boring. We'll take the pith out of major groupings instead. Sorry, I mean make pithy comments about them. {Ed: Same difference.}

We'll take a glance at any wars that take our interest.

We'll do character assassinations pen portraits on some key figures.

We'll try to highlight any embarrassing incidents. (Reader ((there can be only one)), please send anything like this in for future issues. Or even past ones, if we can get that time machine working.)

And we'll probably throw in some utterly inappropriate pop culture references to look like we're down with the kids, even though we don't know what that actually means and are unaware of how stupid it sounds. Or how the phrase "pop culture" sounds, for that matter... but there's a prize for spotting them.*

* We'll like your post. Too mean to give out real prizes.

GWOUPINGS

As you might tell from the title of this section, we've got the time machine sort of working, and have kidnapped invited Pontius Pilate (the Monty Python version*) to be our Guest Weviewer. That way we can be completely unbiased and there's no danger of our editorial view Palin into insignificance. {Ed: You're fired.}

* It wasn't working well enough to get the weal one. Beggars can't be choosers.

Hugs (featuring Slap)

A wotten woster of wude, wubbish Wevolt wan players who rank as high as any in Wome. {Ed: Are you sure they're such high rankers?}
Pwobably only here for gold, because who could take this lot sewiously in a Conquest World?
Iwonically named, as they're not hugging anyone.

Pilate's summawy: Woeful wascals. Sink.


NEMESIS (all of 'em, but not the Weivers gwoup, we'll deal with them sepawately)

Why do they have to shout?
And what kind of alliance has thwee diplos? Having one is bad enough. Especially if it's me...

An MWA with lots and lots and lots of pacts, most notably with Curse of the Weivers, Weivers Too and Weivers Twois which is extwemely bold, given the histowy of this particular set of players. A massgwouping of mass wecwuiters - not peforming well in battle, and unlikely to survive an extended war.
Iwonically named, as they're nobody's nemesis but their own.

Special mention for Welentless - by far the best siege bweakers on the server. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...
Not iwonically named, as they are Welentlessly bad.

Pilate's summawy: Wotten mass wecwuiters. Sink, if not on their own, then at the hand of the Weivers.


Weivers Gwoup (Curse of the Weivers, Weivers Too, Weivers Twois)

Part of one of the biggest gwoupings ever seen in the game, we can expect Weivers to follow their normal pattern. Hug as many people as possible, then turn on them at the most unexpected moment. Wather worrying people to be allied to if you're not pwepared to get your wetaliation in first...

Pilate's summawy: More dangewous to their fwiends than their enemies. Wotten to the core, or more likely, to the wim. Sink.


Government

Worryingly for them, they appear to be using the UK Government as their bluepwint. Utterly inept, with no semblence of a plan, and incompetence fwom top to bottom. Never known anyone twy to hold a siege with just thwee horses as DLU before... and there are plenty of other examples of just how bad this cwew are. We have the evidence, we just can't be bothered to use it, we're too busy on the cider.
And "We are the law and order"? Weally? That doesn't make sense. "We are the law", or "We are law and order", but not "We are the law and order."

Pilate's summawy: Weally wubbish. SInk.


Send Noots

Weally don't know much about this lot. They like Penguins. The leader isn't the top wated player, which I always think is a good thing - he's spending more time leading than playing for himself.

Pilate's summawy: I like Penguins too. I have someone take the wwappers off for me. Float.


Masters of Chant (All things Chanty)

Odd name. Seem to be mostly simming. Or pwobably too busy chanting to do any fighting.

Pilate's summawy: Lovely voices, wotten stwategists. Sink


Fwank [Ed: This Pilate thing could get us into twouble, I mean trouble...}

Decent looking cwew. Well actually, pwetty ugly bunch, but decent players. The Editor weckons he's played with sevewal of them before, but as we know he's never played conquest before, he's a filthy liar and complete scoundwel.
Expect them to bash evewybody in sight.

Pilate's summawy: They need a war, or they'll get bored. Float.


The Watchers (All things Watchy)

At last, a pwoperly-named cwew. Watching is all they do.

Pilate's summawy: Watch them sink.Watch them sink.


Just For Laughs

Well we all know this is the most iwonically-named alliance of them all.
Led by Golden Boy Chawlie, some good players in there that should not be underestimated. Bound to be far too good for the thwee Ws, Welentless, Wetwibution and Weivers, although we know Weivers will take the opportunity to stab the others in the back before long. JFL will continue to offend most of the server by simply existing, and even more by doing quite well.

Pilate's summawy: A golden future awaits. Float.

[Ed: Can we dwop drop the Pilate now?PLEASE? }
 

DeletedUser46395

Guest
Wars Of Interest

There aren't any.

Some Key Characters

Fair Play Btw
Charlie, or Goldfinger to his friend, probably needs no introduction. Awoken every morning at 11.30 without fail by his butler, with a bowl of gold flakes for breakfast, he's quite a character. Hated by many, he carries on unconcerned whether he's in his executive jet, his yacht moored in the Maldives, or the back of his Rolls. In fact the more people hate him, the happier he is. What people tend to overlook is that he's a very good player. How else could he get such incredible timings?

A Tale of Two Sophies

Well, one Sophie - LaSophie - and one Sophia - Sophia 01. Sopie comes from Sophia, Greek for Wisdom. In a more reflective moment, the Editor wondered if there was any proof of nominative determinism with these names, so got the hacks on the case. A couple of pints later, they came up with this:
Just yesterday, Sophie was quoted in an interview as saying this: " As to the grand MRA-Coalition, it's the biggest 'hug' I have ever seen in all my 8 years of this game, but MRAs fall for a reason. If you want proof, just refer to that Mass Mail I have sent them all -- over 40 players, out of 350, have sent support to one of JFLs cities simply because I told them to." Hard for any old stager in Grepo to disagree with that. Scores pretty highly on the wisdom stakes.

On the same day, Sophia actually tried to boast about her 10 alliances in a very amusing attempt to bully another alliance out of their main ocean. "Actually when you add in our 3 Alliances and the 7 Pacts we have you will see that we swamp Ocean 55 compared to your numbers". As you can imagine, that caused serious chuckles at the Incider when we heard. Might work on someone new to leadership, but surely such an admission of weakness is about the worst thing you could admit to a more experienced leader. Especially given Reivers' reputation for backstabbery... Not so wise.

So in the Wisdom stakes, it's currently LaSophie 1, Sophia 01 0. We'll be following this one.

dembithegreat

Defends sieges with 1 ls and 3 horses. 'Nuff said, although the Ed says that "the great" is clearly ironic here...

The Kitten Fatalis

Far too honest a journalist to ever be employed round here. But I bet he doesn't MM the entire world to tell you about this one...

And that's all we've got for this edition. As always, feel free to contact me with anything you think should be in the next edition.


Socially distanced hugs and kisses,

Bear.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

DeletedUser44867

Guest
These editor commentary and footnotes are single-handedly bringing life back to the externals

Today in Sidon (name change pending) can only attempt to strive to be as great as The Sidon Incider.

poklony.gif


pwepared
Click to expand...
I see an R in that word ... i'm starting to wonder if this really was Pontius Pilate or just an imposter
zaskoczony.gif


Inquiring minds want to know the truth ...
and we will get to the bottom of it


in the next edition of Today in Sidon - stay tuned.
 

DeletedUser46395

Guest
Phidippidies said:
These editor commentary and footnotes are single-handedly bringing life back to the externals

Today in Sidon (name change pending) can only attempt to strive to be as great as The Sidon Incider.

poklony.gif


I see an R in that word ... i'm starting to wonder if this really was Pontius Pilate or just an imposter
zaskoczony.gif


Inquiring minds want to know the truth ...
and we will get to the bottom of it


in the next edition of Today in Sidon - stay tuned.
Click to expand...

Sub-editors. You must know what they're like better than anyone - they'll correct anything to be more wrong than it was to start with. :)
 

DeletedUser55989

Guest
given the competition it seems like we're going to need journalism awards for Sidon.
 
Lethal-Bacon

Lethal-Bacon

Polemarch
phi likes dogs, so i'm not voting for her, kitten fatalis is simply a no... even tho bear is revolt guy i like bears better :(
 

DeletedUser46395

Guest
If we don't win it, we'll simply break in whenever the winner is celebrating and nick the award. We might leave a pint as recompense. That's Incider trading...
 

CJK2039

Taxiarch
3 Alliances and 7 pacts? I thought Temples would eradicate pacts and branches because they wouldn't want to tread on eachothers' toes by going for the same temple.
 

DeletedUser45100

Guest
I like this, a less strict but still cool perspective.

Also, since you dont know a lot about us you did catch noots pretty well.

I am always glad to run into fellow Penguin lovers.

if you have any questions about us or want more false information from us for future editions, feel free to hit me up in game or on discord.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top