Agony Aunt - Week 11! *EMERGENCY EDITION*

Sapphire Sorrows

Guest
Hello my sweets,

You may have noticed A.A. is late this week. I received a letter which has worried me like none other, from our friend Anonymous. Awards shall be postponed - I think we all need to put aside what we are doing and give our assistance to our friend!

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Dear A.A.
I am writing to you now with some terribly disturbing news and I find myself in the biggest pickle of my life!!!! I cannot express how much I need your help now because I have always got away with things before. When I tell you I am at my wit’s end I mean it seriously. Please tell me what to do A.A as your advice is always a comfort and although some of your advice has landed me in the occasional jam before I can always see the light at the end of the tunnel from your wise words. Also may I apologise for my late submission to your column, but it has taken a few days for my lawyer to negotiate computer access for me upon the promise of a full confession.

Please let me now explain to you the situation I find myself in. I must let you know now that this is the stickiest situation ever since Mr Sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun…….

I began my week quite normally after reading your advice and was all geared up for hosting a lovely tea party for the debating group as you suggested. I so much wanted to find out which of their members mentioned (when referring to me) those horrible words “lunatic” & “psychopath”. Everything was looking good as I’d managed to “persuade” the leader to bring everyone along to my house for Earl Grey served from a pot with a lovely pink tea cosy. The neurotoxins were on hand in case I needed them to subdue arguments & I’d got my wife to mix up one of those lovely “cleansing baths” out on the patio just in case it was needed (there’s nothing like being prepared for any eventuality).

Anyway, just before my guests arrived the friend of mine that I mentioned a couple of weeks ago turned up in that stunning black van he’d “borrowed” from the lovely car dealership with a few beers. Now, although he’s a thoroughly nice trustworthy chap, he’s a little uncouth and ill-educated and I didn’t want him to upset my new “guests” from the debating society. Thankfully he understood the situation and was quite happy to go upstairs & watch Sky Sports in the guest room. He would have left, but apparently he said there were a lot of police vehicles close to the end of my street & he didn’t want to risk getting a DUI conviction.

Soon after I had dispatched my friend for his fill of “Ultimate Naked Babes Extreme Mud Wrestling” upstairs in the guest room, the doorbell rang. The first of my “guests” had arrived. I welcomed them in & instantly led them to the wonderful vol-au-vants my wife had prepared. Equally as smoothly, the doorbell kept ringing and I found my house full of all the lovely people from the debating society. Everything was running smoothly, I had my “guests” all in the same location. I was all set for my “debate” regarding the nasty words to begin.

Then, completely unexpectedly the doorbell rang again….It was the botanical specialist I’d donated my Venus Fly Traps to!!!!!! He had a look of horror on his face. Well, what a rude chap he was. He marched forwards towards me, invading my personal aura while yielding one of the fine specimines I’d donated to him. He was like a man possessed, a man on a mission with full confidence & not the slightest bit of fear. He was shouting at me “Look, look at this you fiend, this is not natural”.

It took me at least 3 blows to his left temple to calm him down, but eventually I persuaded him to talk more rationally…..

It seems my dear A.A. that my generosity has been my downfall. This professor of the botanical society I so kindly donated my disposal machine to is also friends with the chief of the local CSI lab!!!!! Apparently after he collected my kind donation he notice strange deposits of what appeared to be denim, nylon & polyester strands upon the “traps” of those lovely plants with, hmmm what did the prosecution call them.... ah, that’s it…. Fleshy deposits!!!!!!!!

It seems that this horticultural specialist also has a suspicious mind as he asked his CSI friend to analyse the “deposits” on my former botanical wonder and it turns out there were genetic matches to a few missing people.

Now this wouldn’t have been a problem in itself, as my wife had already prepared a “cleansing bath” out on the lovely new patio. BUT my dear A.A. as you already see….. he had notified his friend in the CSI lab.

Well what could I do now. I was stuck between the Devil & the deep blue sea!!!!!.

Panicing, frustrated & desperate for a new plan my heart sank!!!!! Yet again the doorbell rang. This was completely unexpected and I was in such a state of despair I marched over unthinking and opened the door!!!!!.

I have never been so mad in my life A.A. The full swat team was there on my beautiful lawn, treading upon those gorgeous petunias I’d been so lovingly fertilizing, stamping down my roses I’d been feeding the “special” fertilizer to, and then my heart sank.....

The one and only, the main man, the chief of the serious organized crime squad himself….gun pointing at my forehead from point-blank range uttered those forever unforgettable words…”Valaghar, I am placing you under arrest for the multiple murders of pronunciation delinquents, illegal disposal of bodies, denying a Christian burial of the deceased, perverting the course of justice, being in possession of a stolen motor vehicle, constructing a patio without the proper planning authorization of the local council and running an illegal Venus Fly Trap farm without proper authorisation for the disposal of illegal & potentially harmful waste, the abduction & kidnapping of material witnesses in a state case and the wearing of a pink balaclava in public. You have the right to remain silent……….etc”

My problem is simple my most wise & clever A.A…. when I escape next week where do I start cleaning up this mess?????? Do the police get justice first or do i concentrate on the debating society. Perhaps i should pay attention to the botanical specialist. I have more than one choice and so i feel stuck. Please help me my dear A.A.

Looking forwards to applying your words of wisdom into practical solutions

Kindest Regards as always

Anonymous

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Well, as you can see things have imploded! Valaghar - i mean Anonymous - needs our help to sort this out. Have any of you access to a safe house where he can plan his next move? Suggestions for his escape route? Please post ASAP with your contributions to helping our most entertaining friend !

~Auntie Sapphie