Bring out your Sims

Brir

Phrourach
My esteemed Lords, Ladies, Serfs, Peasants and Slaves may I trouble you for a while and ask of you a small favour?

As many of you are aware our world has far too many simmers playing. :(

You know the sort. The peeps in your alliance that you never see in your respective forums helping anyone or contributing in any way whatsoever, yet are the first to put out a distress call the minute they are attacked.. Yes, every alliance has them. Vile, grab it with both hands selfish gits who think of nobody but themselves, the sort of person who would steal your last penny, who would sell their own mother for their own selfish gain. :Angry:

Well I say it's a blight on this fair world and it's about time something was done about it! (SW)

Why should we continue to put up with all these takers who give NOTHING back? I say we should not, so if it's not too much to ask would you please furnish my good self with the names of these vile creatures. I will of course check their credentials first as I'm not for dealing with personal grudges and if I deem them unworthy of this world I will do my level best to remove them, smash their unused armies and take their precious cities. :pro:

See how they like it.. :D

My reach at this stage only stretches so far so I'm looking for victims in and around Oceans 044/054/045 to start with but as my reach extends other unworthies in other oceans will become a target for my fury. :Angry:

"What's the catch?" I hear you ask.. :eek:

There is none, I want no payment nor do I require assistance. My reward is knowing that I am removing the very worst type of player in this world..

The 'SIMMER' :Angry:

So come along now and hand over these vile wretches, these users, these people we wouldn't/shouldn't urinate on if they were on fire (well I would, just not on the bits that were burning) and enjoy them getting their just desserts. :pro:
 

Brir

Phrourach
Sim Update:

Sim Sheriff (that's me) 1.. Simmers 0.. :pro:

My first sim conquest is complete and I have named my nice shiny new city 'SIM CITY' in honour of this glorious achievement.. :p

More to follow soon! :)

Don't be shy good people of Nicaea, come forth and "Bring out your Sims" (SW)
 
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Brir

Phrourach
Hmmm.. My second target was not a success.. An alliance who at this stage shall remain nameless stepped in during my attempted conquest and as a result my colonists are now swimming with the fishies.. Along with the mighty army who escorted them. :(

A diplomatic solution has been put forward by myself (namely said alliance hands over the city to me) or We LOVE Sim City will be in a state of war against them..

My reason is simple 'Sim Protection' :Angry:

The most heinous of crimes in my book.. :Angry:

Ooops! I forgot to update the score:

Sim Sheriff 1. Simmers (and friends) 1.. :supermad:
 
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cloaca maxima

Guest
Dear Dr. Brir,

Please help me. I turn to you as the only voice of wisdom and reason in this world.

A player in my ocean has one large (12,000 point) city, and has spawned five little 1000-3000 point cities all around that large city. He has less than 1000 BP, all DBP, and he is the only member of his own alliance. My spies tell me he only builds swords and archers.

Could he possibly be one of those dreaded simmers that you discuss? If so, how should I help him? Should I send gifts of supplies to help him build, home-baked cookies, or flowers and garlands to adorn his cities?

What should I do?
 

Brir

Phrourach
Dear claoca,

This is an interesting question, one that I certainly had to think about before replying.

He is certainly displaying the hallmarks of a 'Simmer'. :Angry:

Those are classic 'Simmer' symptoms with only one very important one missing. A lack of other members in his alliance. Without other members he cannot be accused of not helping out his comrades or not participating in the alliances forum so at this stage I would say he's in a 'grey area'.

Further investigation is required so I suggest sending him a gift of horse and hoplites to see how he reacts.

If he repays your gift with one of equal measure then I say there is hope for him yet and perhaps and Invite to your esteemed alliance could well help him on the road to recovery.

If he continues with his defensive mindedness and makes no effort to repay you with a gift of attacking forces then I would say he is indeed a 'Simmer' and you should smite him and all his cities with irresistible force and remove this grubby excrement stain from the map.
(SW)

Thank you for considering my counsel on this important matter.. :)
 
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Brir

Phrourach
Well.. It appears that despite all the talk about how much 'Simmers' of this world are disliked there is no shortage of peeps wanting to defend them. :Angry:

Even ones with no alliance.. :supermad:

Do these people not understand that the ONLY way to make someone understand that 'Simming' is unacceptable is by the loss of their precious cities? :eek:

All you do when you send a ton of birs/troops in their defence is encourage them to continue along the same path.. :rolleyes:

Sim love is right up there with incest and kiddiefiddling.. The peeps who encourage and protect these vile creatures are just as guilty as the scum they protect so I am left with no other choice:

"I will strike down upon them with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy the world of Nicaea. And you will know my name is Brir when I lay my vengeance upon thee"
(SW)
 

cloaca maxima

Guest
Dear Dr. Brir,

Thank you for your courageous work helping simmers learn the error of their ways. I am embarrassed to admit it, but my own second cousin is a simmer.

Here is my problem: I am bringing my new boyfriend home to meet my family soon, and I am afraid he will be put off by my family's checkered history. My grandfather was a convicted war criminal, and my mother is a prostitute with six children, all with unknown fathers. My sister is a politician, one brother is a hermit goat herder who has not bathed in over a year, another brother clubs baby seals to death for a living, another brother is a serial killer, and another brother was recently featured on the TV reality show "America's Worst Child Molesters."

I really like this guy, but I am afraid he will dump me if he finds out about my cousin the disgusting simmer. What should I do?
 

Brir

Phrourach
Dear cloaca,

This is indeed a terrible situation to be in, all the above family members are not exactly the sort of people you would want to introduce to your new love interest but if he meets the 'Simmer' it could be curtains for the relationship before it gets off the ground..

Now if this guy REALLY likes you he may be able to see past the prostitute mother etc but you do have a real problem with that cousin of yours.. :eek:

However I do believe I have a solution to your quandary.. :)

The seal beater of the family could actually prove useful for this. Simply send your cousin on a vacation to his place of residence.. And dress him up as a seal.. ;)

If you have any more issues that you feel I can assist you with please feel free to call on me at any time.. My door is always open.. :)
 
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Brir

Phrourach
Eddie was at school one morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippie, Captain of Industry etc, but Eddie was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Eddie aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Edward, "He stays at home all day playing Grepolis"

"That's not so bad" replied Eddie's teacher "I play Grepolis too!"

"That maybe so" whispered Eddie, "but my dad is the worst sort of Grep player, he's a 'Simmer' I was just too embarrassed to say."
 
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cloaca maxima

Guest
Eleven people were dangling below a helicopter on a rope. There were ten simmers and Brir. Since the rope was not strong enough to hold all the eleven, they decided that one of them had to let go to save all the others. They could not decide who should be the volunteer. Finally Brir said he would let go of the rope since real Grepo players are used to doing everything for the alliance. They help their partners conquer cities, they defend their partners when they are attacked, and spend a lot of overtime without expecting anything in return. When Brir finished his moving speech all the simmers began to clap…
 

Brir

Phrourach
Sim Update.. After more Sim protection yesterday score is:

Sim Sheriff 1 Simmers 2.. :(

But not for long.. Another nice shiny new city in the bag.. 1 Less Sim.. (SW)

Sim Sheriff 2 Simmers 2.. :)
 

cloaca maxima

Guest
Further investigation is required so I suggest sending him a gift of horse and hoplites to see how he reacts.

If he repays your gift with one of equal measure then I say there is hope for him yet and perhaps and Invite to your esteemed alliance could well help him on the road to recovery.

If he continues with his defensive mindedness and makes no effort to repay you with a gift of attacking forces then I would say he is indeed a 'Simmer' and you should smite him and all his cities with irresistible force and remove this grubby excrement stain from the map.
(SW)
I took your advice. I sent horses, hoplites, and slingers to visit his one large city. He would not even send out his militia to welcome me.

About an hour before my CS landed, he sent a message asking why I was so mean and upsetting his building plans. I explained that this game is intended to involve some measure of actual fighting, not just building.

After I liberated his capitol city, his citizens welcomed my new leadership and the opportunity to fight for glorious adventure. He then chose to ghost his other small cities and to leave this world.

I think you can count this as another simmer removed.

Thanks again for your inspirational leadership in removing this blight from our fair land.
 

Brir

Phrourach
It makes he deliriously happy to hear that another of this worlds scourges has done the right thing and removed himself from this green and pleasant land. I congratulate you on your steadfastness in the face of non adversity and having the courage to see the conquest through. (SW)

There are many here who after receiving such a message would feel sorry for the sender, and would probably recall the attack if they could, but not me.. oh no, not a chance.. Nor you.. :)

I congratulate you for the great work you have done today. It warms the cockles of the heart to see there are others who like myself will not stand idly by while these parasites infest our fair world! :pro:

I salute you! (SW)
 

masterfulsky

Chiliarch
good job with that simmer. I took a city 3 months ago that didnt even have militia researched. Had this strange building with books in it though had to knock it to the ground and build something useful.
 

slasherdan

Phrourach
Why o Why?

Dear Dr. Brir,

Thank you for your courageous work helping simmers learn the error of their ways. I am embarrassed to admit it, but my own second cousin is a simmer.

Here is my problem: I am bringing my new boyfriend home to meet my family soon, and I am afraid he will be put off by my family's checkered history. My grandfather was a convicted war criminal, and my mother is a prostitute with six children, all with unknown fathers. My sister is a politician, one brother is a hermit goat herder who has not bathed in over a year, another brother clubs baby seals to death for a living, another brother is a serial killer, and another brother was recently featured on the TV reality show "America's Worst Child Molesters."

I really like this guy, but I am afraid he will dump me if he finds out about my cousin the disgusting simmer. What should I do?
Guess I like Brir. War game don't hate us for fighting:)
 

Brir

Phrourach
good job with that simmer. I took a city 3 months ago that didnt even have militia researched. Had this strange building with books in it though had to knock it to the ground and build something useful.
I have heard of the building you describe fulsky. Horrible carbunkles that appear only in cities owned by those disgusting simmers :Angry:

You did right by knocking down that monstrosity and I truly hope you continue with the rest of this eunuchs cities, all these hideous pieces of architecture MUST be removed from Nicaea and the people who serve under the dictatorship of these tyrannical 'Bob the Builders' liberated..
(SW)