Do Not Attack Me


Wait! Hear me out! I know, I know, I presume too much to be telling you what to do, mighty Lords and Ladies!

If you'd but spare my life for a few moments, I shall explain myself. You see, I have nothing but your best interest in mind when I make such a proclamation! No, no, no, it's not like that. It's not that my mighty army will crush your army or any such nonsense as that. Why, I barely even have an army to speak of! We are a peaceful people. Instead, it is something else entirely.

Each day is a precious moment in our lives and I sincerely do not wish to waste your time. Have you ever been constipated? Attacking me would be like that time you sat on the toilet for what felt like forever, but nothing would come out. What a waste of time! If only you'd known ahead of time, right? You'd never have spent so much time doing nothing at all. You'd have been productive.

This is what attacking me is like. Unproductive and a waste of time. Why?

Yes, I am aware, this sounds like the desperate plea of a coward, but if you but hear me out for a few more moments, you will see that I am right.

You see, I live in a large mansion that has four floors. And this mansion is a maze of rooms, hallways and alcoves. Why, even I get lost in this giant home. Who needs to waste their time searching the halls for a lowly wretch such as I? No! May it never be. But allow me to continue.

In this very large mansion in which I live, there is a large oak door, bolted, that guards my room. This door would take much chopping and banging and other such measures to bring down. You may even get a splinter in the process! Talk about a good day going bad, am I right?

But it gets worse for you, Lords and Ladies, because even if you manage to make it through the maze of rooms and hallways and corridors and kitchens, and then you manage to get through my very sturdy oaken door, you then have to get through the magical sheets upon my bed. Sounds incredible, does it not? Tis true! I swear it by Zeus. For upon my bed are impenetrable sheets +4. Hard to believe, I know, but yes, they are magical sheets upon which you shall never muster the ability to slay me.

But let's suppose for a moment that you are able to navigate the mansion, destroy the door, my final and last trick still remains up my sleeve. You see, I always wear the most dashing of boots. Feather fall boots. I shall simply jump out the window and fall softly to the ground as you watch from above, time wasted.

And lest you think you must merely come downstairs (After navigating the maze of corridors once again, may it never be!) realize that I shall simply run to a friendly town upon my island to hide. Why waste your time with one such as I? Silly!

For I have spent the last weeks sending my soldiers around my island delivering flowers to all those who would be my friend. And I know that they are my friend because my soldiers leave my gates, hands filled with flowers, and they return with carts and carts filled with stone, silver, and wood. My neighbors surely love me! I will spread their gates open wide and plunge into them, as they open their arms wide I shall impregnate their village with my love and understanding.

You see? This is not a threat. No, it is my reaching out to you to help and assist the world.

You do not want to waste your time attacking me. Your time would better be spent upon the throne, even if you are constipated.

Baggi the Coward
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This caught my eye! (I'm assuming it's a joke..a hilarious one at that! :D)
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Very funny thread, well done. I can't rep you atm though


loving this post lol... not keen on the world though *waits for another 2+ speed*


Great read,

Got my mind thinking....where can I get those boots?? :D


i hear there on offer at all selected UK retailers...:)
buy one get a set of magical bed sheets and and oaken door half price:p