Here's a good one for you:

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


Sure thisll work....

2 Muffins are in an oven.
1 Muffin says boy its hot in here.
The other one goes "WHOA! A talking muffin!"

A few days ago, a snowman was caught picking its nose in the produce section.

Things to never say to a cop:

I cant get my liscense unless u hold my beer.

Bad cop. No doughnut.

Wow, nice work! You mustve been going 90 mphto keep up with me!

Do you know why im pulled over? Well at least one of us does.

Wow, you look just like the picture on my GF nightstand!

YOu know, I was going to be a cop, but wanted to go to college insted.

Cool! Am i going to be on COPS?

YOure not going to check the trunk, are you?

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

I pay your salary!

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

10 Reasons Not Excersise
1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.

2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
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Here's a rhyme from a funeral card.

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Cardboard is stiff
And so are you.