Poem Scroll~ Figtree2's

[DeletedUser31385]

The Old, Dark Mine
He imagined the bright blue sky
Wishing he had not lied
He had committed a terrible crime
Deep within the old, dark mine
He said he did not know
But they could hear a faint groan
There lie the body of the miner
Shoved behind the refiner
There was no doubt who did it
Because the person who murdered had shoes on that did not fit
The blood was the only clue
And with that the guards took their cue
The miner was thrown into a dark cell
Where he was forced to dwell
For he will never see light again
Because of what he started then
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please tell me what you think of my first poem. I will try to write something to give you a more happy feeling next time.

 

[DeletedUser40768]

Forget about happy, just post whatever you want Seems like a good start, guess you will have to wait for tips from pebble.

 

[DeletedUser31385]

Forget about happy, just post whatever you want Seems like a good start, guess you will have to wait for tips from pebble.

I will make more later. We all know Pebbs is a master of literature. Let's see what he thinks.

 

[DeletedUser36436]

Should I write an essay on it?? I had to write about a million of these back in college...

 

[DeletedUser31385]

Im writing these for fun. Not really for anything else. If you want to write an essay you can.

 

[DeletedUser8396]

The Old, Dark Mine
He imagined the bright blue sky
Wishing he had not lied
He had committed a terrible crime
Deep within the old, dark mine
He said he did not know
But they could hear a faint groan
There lie the body of the miner
Shoved behind the refiner
There was no doubt who did it
Because the person who murdered had shoes on that did not fit
The blood was the only clue
And with that the guards took their cue
The miner was thrown into a dark cell
Where he was forced to dwell
For he will never see light again
Because of what he started then
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please tell me what you think of my first poem. I will try to write something to give you a more happy feeling next time.

Not a bad first attempt by any means. Needs improvements to flow and rhyme (content improvement can't be taught, but your content in and of itself is fine).

My suggestions: don't try too hard to make a rhyme. If you sacrifice the flow or quality of the poem for a rhyme, you're doing it all wrong. If you can't find a rhyme, either rework the piece or simply say "screw it" and move on. Some help for rhyming: http://www.rhymezone.com/ <---- magic on a webpage.

As for flow, simply read it out loud. If it feels natural, by all means go with it. Or you can have a strict structure like syllable counts or iambic pentameter, etc...

Keep practicing. Spend time on them (they aren't meant to be cranked out in 10 minutes, despite my tendency to do so ).

 

[DeletedUser31385]

XD I actually did crank it out in 10 minutes. I was seeing if I could write a poem and I got inspired. I kept on writing it and finished quickly.

 

[Varun]

A good job for your first work.

However, as pebs said please do not rush things. It seemed like the poem ended in a hurry. Also, you do not need to rhyme every piece. Emphasize on figures of speech and not just the rhyme scheme. The flow of a poem is more important than its rhyme.

And use stanzas wherever you can. It's not necessary but ensures a clean work.

 

[DeletedUser31385]

I will take some time to think of my second work.

 

[DeletedUser]

This caught my interest. Not bad.

 

[DeletedUser31385]

The First Second~ Short poem (I got rushed since I have to leave for vacation, but enjoy.)

There was once a moment in time,
when everything was a mystery.
An explosion occurred with such great speed,
That it was dancing to the speed of time.
Gravity was created out of the chaos,
that was the early universe.
Everything set to spread
vastly apart.
The first second was
the dawn of time.