Poppa's Log

DeletedUser49280

Guest
Greetings All,

My name is J.M.Rademaker and I'm a writer. I am using this game as a muse. I'm writing the story of Poppa Woody. Some of my close friends requested to see my rough drafts. As alliances come and go these writings started floating around other alliances. I soon started getting swamped with requests to be on the mailing list. I got to the point where fighting, writing and responding to requests were conflicting. An experienced player suggested that I put this on the Forum for all to read.

Below is an excerpt from the story. If you like the story and want more pm me at Poppa Woody. If enough people like it I will start postings.


First let me introduce you to Poppa Woody.

Poppa Woody is your typical backwoods country hick whose brains have been preserved in Moonshine since the age of 6. His only redeeming quality is that he’s hung like a horse. Due to his endowment he drew the attentions of Queen Iwanna who married him in a fit of passion. Now ol’ Poppa is Livin Large off the Queen in the lap of Luxury, yet doesn’t have a Clue as to what he’s doing.

Let’s look in on the Poppa:

Poppa's Log Day 1

I finally got my 8th farm. As per all the directions & advice I got, I threw everything I had at them. Well, I GOT it, but only 3 of my guys came limping back. One had a Flag, one had a Drum and I believe the other was playing a Fife! In my haste to catch up I grabbed a Quest that gave Silver enhancer. Once I said "I'll take it" I find it comes with Loyalty Reduction. As you know you can't cancel. Now every time I make a demand, one revolts! " I am starting to replenish my troops to go straighten out the farmers. I'm now down to two farms. On the brighter side, Harbor is now at 18. I'm going to try to be CS ready by tonight, I'll keep you informed!

I came home after a hard day of playing ‘Whack-A-Mole’ with these inbred framers. Walked into the Palace and plopped down on the Throne. Reached up and pulled the cord for the Palace Maidens & the cord for the Court Jester. Within seconds 4 Maidens show up. One starts giving me a neck massage, another starts massaging my feet, another is feeding me grapes and the fourth starts gently waving an Ostrich Plum fan in my direction. Then in comes the Court Jester with today’s news, weather and what’s going on over at the Coliseum.

BUZZ KILL! In comes the ol’lady, Queen Iwanna. She surprisingly seems to be in a good mood for some reason. She proceeds to tell me she has,(with a little help from her boy toy in the Accounting Dept.) Won The Lottery! She continues to tell me she has just booked a trip, and that I should start packing immediately! “Great”, I said. “Should I pack for a warm climate or a cool climate?” “I don’t give a damn”, she said. “Just be out of here by the time I get back!”

So, it looks like me and a handful of these cross-eyed soldiers of mine are going to ship out in search of some New Digs!

Poppa
 
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DeletedUser49280

Guest
Poppa’s Log Day 2

We started const. on the CS today. My nephews Larry, Moe & Curly with their dad, Wrong Way Woody (I try not to claim him as my brother, you’ll see why) decided that they could save me some resources if I let them build it for me. I thought for a minute and couldn't think of a single thing Wrong Way ever did that didn't end badly. But the ol'lady had just tossed me like a Frisbee and I needed a place to land. Since Queenie was sittin on the Palace funds and me broker than a Japanese watch I Reluctantly agreed.

I got the coordinates from Sheque & verser of this Promised Land of Milk and Honey. So we Set Sail. Just as we got out of sight of land I asked my cousin, Wrong Way Woody if he brought the Astrolabe and he said Sure! Stuck his thumb in his mouth then held it up in front of him and said, "That-a-Way" If you haven't heard from us in a couple days take care of the Bush (this was started in another world in the town of Bush) for me.

Well, we made it through the night. We took shifts bailing all night as Wrong Way cheaped out on the rope I sent him buy. It seems he bought rope made from the bark of the Yula Tree, which tends to absorb water and dissolve when submerged IN water. By the time we got out of sight of land this thing was already starting to leak like a screen door. He said that All boats should have a name, its good luck. I don’t know where he got the name Titanic, but it has a nice ring to it so Titanic it was!

Land in sight! An island appears off in the distance. We can’t be there yet. Has Wrong Way got us lost again? As we drag this sponge we have for a boat up on shore Wrong Way is greeted with open arms by scantily clad natives. It seems he has quite a reputation with the locals. He starts passing out these little things that look like small bones. Everyone starts lighting them up and the next thing I know they’re all Partying.

Suddenly 3 guys that look like evolution skipped came rolling up in their chariots, talked to Wrong Way for a few minutes and they all rode off together. It seems that this is not our destination but one of Wrong Way’s clandestine stopovers. The sun was starting to set and still no sign of Wrong Way. I finally got tired and crawled into what was left of our boat and went to sleep.

Sometime in the wee hrs of the morning I was awoke by all this commotion and splashing. Wrong Way seems to be in a hurry to leave. When I asked why he just said in a hasty voice “We’re behind schedule” and off we went. We weren't ten minutes out when I looked back and see this Colony Ship closing FAST! Wrong Way hands me a stick and tells me to start paddling. I asked him what was going on and he said that he sold them some goods but kinda forgot to give them the Goods. By this time the Yula rope that was holding this bundle of reeds together reaches saturation point and is starting to dissolve! This thing is falling apart like a cheap Toga in the wash. I should have stopped Wrong Way yesterday morning when he said “I got an Idea”! By this time our boat looks like the flotsam you see that washes up on the shore after a storm. Well at this point ol’ Wrong Way starts tying these Pau Pau Leaves to his feet. When I asked what he was doing he said that he learned from the pearl divers that if you tie these Pau Pau leaves to your feet it will make you swim faster. I looked at him and said “Are out of your 200 proof mind, you can’t out swim that Colony Ship. “I don’t have to out swim the Colony Ship, I just have to out swim you”! He said. And off he went. As I sat there treading water I thought back about how nice it would be to be home sittin out back with a good ole jug of corn squeezin’s.

As I sit there waiting for the end, hoping it will be quick and painless. No drawing & quartering, no night in the barrel. When I look up to my amazement I see what looks like a rather large bird attacking the Colony Ship. The sails fall and it slowly drifts to a stop, dead in the water. The bird starts heading in my direction. I prepare for the worst. I shut my eyes and pray to Hera for a quick and painless end. All of a sudden I hear, “What have you done with my little Wrong Way. I open one eye and look up,…… HARPIE! She grabbed hold of my toga and lifts me out of the water and sets me on the Colony Ship. Man it felt good to be on something that fish didn’t consider FOOD! “Stay here” she said, “I’ll go find Wrong Way”. A few minutes later, Harpie returns with a dripping Wrong Way slung beneath her. She gently lowered him to the deck, not the ten foot DROP I got. You see, Harpie and Wrong Way have been knockin’ Boots. So with Harpie as our Lookout, Protector and Guide we might just make it!
 
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DeletedUser49280

Guest
Poppa’s Log Day 3

That peaceful gentle rolling of the ocean waves is transformed into a sensation of flight through the clouds. I wake up and to my horror, I AM in flight! It seems Wrong Way has hit something and I've been thrown from my bunk and am now headed head first into a pile of weapons stacked in the corner. Luckily, I missed the weapons and the Wall broke my fall. As I slowly slid down the wall and hit the floor I sat there rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. I then hear that gravelly voice ring out, “We’re Here”!


I climb up out of the hold of the CS to view the New Promised Land that verser spoke so highly of. As I open the hatch it hits me. That pungent smell of dead fish. Kinda reminds me of Cleo’s House of Pleasure back home. There’s the transport, but where’s my soldiers? I see tracks in the sand leading into the weeds and assume they’re out hunting some food.

As I stand here making a 360 degree sweep of the surroundings, I see.........NOTHING! ABOSOLUTELY NOTHING! Wrong Way is standing there pissing his name in the sand, Harpie is buzzing around like a bee on steroids, and me, hell, I’m just glad to be on solid ground once again!


Wrong Way said he and the boys were gonna start building huts for everybody and where did I want Mine. Knowing his building skills I decided to pass. You see, half of everything Wrong Way builds falls apart right after you pay him for it, the other half falls apart before he can finish it.


I head off into the bushes to find my troops. I found them, and they found the weeds. These are those strange weeds that Hera grows up on the hill back home. She says it goes into her “Happiness” Spell. They were all laying around grinning at each other so I figure there must be some truth to it. I finally managed to get them on their feet and headed back to the beach. I notice how they had trampled down all the weeds in a circular area and I thought Hmm, this will be a good place for the Still!


We got back to the beach and, WHAT THE.....! The CS is gone! Come to find out Wrong Way and his Minions have disassembled it to build a Bar & Market Place on the Beach. “What the hell are you Doin” I asked? I figure if we build this here Market & Bar then you can sell your Corn Squeezin’s and I can sell these weeds to the Rubes as they come through. Wrong Way, You Flaming IDIOT. Look around you, we are the only ones HERE, and I seriously doubt if anyone even knows WE’RE here.

Poppa
 

DeletedUser49280

Guest
Poppa’s Log Day 4

I woke up this morning to a Buzzard sittin’ on my chest. Chased him off, Got up, Stretched, Yawned, Farted, and headed to the bushes for my morning Dump! Now I ready for the Day! Just found a whole new meaning for the Poppa’s Log though! Where are Wrong Way and the crew? I see a pile of driftwood that must have came in with high tide and thought this would be a good place to start a Bonfire. Hey, Let’s have a……B E A C H P A R T Y !!!!! Just as I was about to torch this pile, WW sticks his head out and said, “what da hell you doin’ to my Hut! WW’s choice to make construction his profession is a burden to us all. He’s one of those who mean well but I think we’d come out ahead if we all chipped in and Paid him Not to work. (Note to self: We’ll call it Welfare!) I think the problem in our family is everybody has forgotten or is forgetten who Did all the begotten or begetten to the point where our family tree looks like Burled Walnut. This creates some rather unusual and unique people!

I assigned WW to layout the town so we could start real construction. I then told Harpie to go scout the island from the air. Now if I just had some powdered Coffee to mix in with my Corn Squeezins I could face the day. (Note to self: invent powdered coffee). I guess I’ll just have to rough it and drink it plain. AHHH, Breakfast of Champions. It looks like everyone has something to do. I guess I’ll go start on settin’ up the Still and planning a party.

Harpie just returned from her recon of the island. We’re not as bad off as I thought we were. Seems there are 5 other cities on this Rock, 4 of them are friends of ours. She said there’s a mountain that has plenty of strong Granite and that we are out here on point of a lagoon. This will make a good place for trading. WW can even set up his Tourist Trap! “According to the charts” Harpie said, we’re just to the right of Shyt Creek. “Well” I said, “then it is only fitting that I hereby declare this town……… BUMPHUK!” With that WW takes this stick he has fashioned into a flag pole by sharpening one end and thrusts it into the ground, only stabbing himself in the foot instead!

It’s almost night fall and we got quite a bit done today. I got my Still up and thumpin’(TOP priority). Larry was diggin a hole to take a and found a silver nugget so he decided to go into the miming business. Moe set up a stand on the beach to sell sticks…….?????? and Curly is going around showing everybody this handful of rocks he found. WW went off to look for his cousins, seems he has a Restaurant business proposition for ‘em! Harpie thinks she should fly back to Bush and check on Iwanna and let her know we’re OK. (Angelic background music) AHH, “And He Looked Out Over What He Created, And It Was Good” And then He Rested.

Poppa
 

DeletedUser49295

Guest
Poppa’s Log Day 5

Everybody’s going about their business today. The sun’s out, the breeze is blowin’ in from the ocean. I think I’ll go for a stroll. Half way down the beach I saw off in the distance something had washed up on the shore. I went to investigate and it turned out to be a raft with a guy on it. The guy was unconscious and pretty tattered but alive. I poked him with a stick I bought from Moe. He stirred, looked up at me and since, unlike the rest of my kin, both eyes pointed in the same direction. I Knew we had ourselves a keeper. He said he’d been adrift for days and asked if I might have a bite to eat. I said “I don’t have a bite but I can give ya a Nip.” I slung the jug around (I always carry a little extra in case of emergencies), popped the cork with that resounding THoooop! I leaned over and trickled a little on his parched lips, stood back and waited, 3…2.. all of a sudden the man’s eyes opened wide and he bolted straight up into a sitting position! “What Was That” he said. “That’s my Corn Squeezins” I said! “My name is Spartacus Maximus” he said. He explained that he had been a Commander in the Roman Empire and when his ship was attacked the rest of the fleet took off and left him. “Why with my background and training” he said, I could train you some of the finest troops around and if we give them some of this stuff there will be no stopping them! I pointed over to my 6 troops standing there. Two of them were cross-eyed, one was pickin’ his nose, two had their helmets on sideways and the last was resting his chin on the pointed end of his sword. “They've been on it for years!” I said. I can still build you some barracks and we can train some troops. “You’re ON” I said.

We set out to find a good location to build the barracks. He said that we should get off the beach and gain some high ground. So we started cutting through the brush until we came to a cliff and discovered a set of stairs carved into the rock. We ascended the stairs to find the ruins of ancient civilization. Spartacus says this would be an Excellent location and with the old foundations left we should be able to build quickly!

I was really getting Stoked at how quickly my little settlement was progressing. All of a sudden I hear this loud Crash over in the weeds. Spartacus and I strolled over there only to find Harpie laying there in a heap! WHAT THE…..? I asked. Harpie sat there rubbing her head and explained that she had been having trouble with her approach & landing sensors ever since Uncle Leo tossed her in the Ocean and made her swim home. She had returned to inform me that Iwanna misses me and wants me back. “Well That’s Tough!” I said. My is still sore from the three times I bounced on it when she Tossed me. Harpie went on to explain that right after I left the whole Island started Ghosting, and Iwanna is terrified of Ghosts. Bush is the only town left on the Island and if it ever got attacked it would be a Goner. She tried to train those cross-eyed troops you left her, but every time they see the enemy they attack each other. I’m afraid you’re needed back home Poppa. So she grabs hold of my Toga turning it into a sling and off we go. This is COOL. I've never been flying or should I say Controlled Flight. I was really getting off on the trip until it dawned on me how her last Landing turned out. This time I’M gonna be the Landing Gear!

Poppa
 

DeletedUser49295

Guest
Poppa’s Log Day 6

We just landed in the Bush and I use the word Landed loosely. It was more like a controlled Crash. I got up, checked all my appendages, dusted myself off and headed for the Palace. Iwanna greets me with open arms like nothing ever happened. I think she just needed a little trip and didn’t want to share the lottery money. Oh Well, I came into this with my Jug and a Pair of Overalls and now I’m an Emperor Livin’ Large off the people.

Iwanna informs me that in my absence she acquired a little settlement to the west. Seems she was “Entertaining” the Governor of that town and ended up causing him to have a heart attack. In the absence of a leader, naturally Iwanna took them in (for a price). “Well” I said. It just so happens that I and the boys found a little deserted island and started a Colony of my own. “So, we have 3 towns now?” She said. No, I have 3 towns, you have 2 towns! Bumphuck will be MY party town. That way the next time you toss me I’ll have a place to land. I’ll call it my “Man Cave”!

I set out to go inspect this new town Iwanna acquired in my absence. As I approach the town I can already better than that Rock Verser sent me to. It’s a small town, a Very small town. This town is so small it only has three addresses. Their Census is a number scratched on a pebble. Their so sma……. You get my drift. But it IS a start. I introduce myself to the peasants and notice they weren’t cross-eyed like most of my Clan. Hum? We might have found a new Gene Pool.

On my way back to the castle Harpie finds me and comes swooping down all out of breath just a chattering away. “Slow down girl” I said. “What’s wrong?” She frantically tells me that there is an attack force heading for the town of Bush! She grabbed me again in her usual grip but couldn’t quite get me & The Horse off the ground. I’ll meet you back in the Bush and off I sped!

Poppa
 

DeletedUser49295

Guest
Poppa’s Log Day 7

I got back down to the Bush and we started shoring up. I took all our resources and popped a bunch of troops in the Barracks oven and hit Micro-Wave. Instant soldiers! This tactic is good to pull right after they spy on you. When the enemy shows up you have so many soldiers standing around you’ll look like a Cat House on .50 cent night. I tapped our farms for a 4 hr pull, not knowing how long this siege will last, and to gain additional resources for the Micro-Wave. I slapped on my “Increase Defense” token. Passed out weapons to the citizens and made them Militia. I Burnt up a couple hundred Gold on the micro wave. Iwanna got her box of broken & worn out vibrators & dildos to throw at them. Yep, I think we’re ready.

I see them approaching on the horizon. INCOMING!!!! Their ships cruise through the Harbor, take out a couple of my ships, MOONED me and dropped a Floater in my Harbor. As they sailed off I think I saw one of them flippin’ me the bird! All this for nothing! Iwanna is wound up like an eight day clock. My soldiers are walking around picking their nose with their swords. The town folk are running around like idiots with weapons in their hands for the next three hrs. The farms are down for 4 hrs. Not to mention the Gold I wasted on the micro-wave.

As Poppa looks around and surveys the mess they caused. Poppa stands there and says THAT’S IT! He removes the cork from his jug with that resounding THooop, tilts his head back and takes One Big Long Gulp off his jug. The jug falls to the ground, Poppa starts shaking, and then spinning around, and then all of a sudden there was a blinding Flash. Poppa was gone! No more mild mannered, jug toting, overall wearing Poppa Woody!

What stood in his place was………. Neanderthal Woody! Wearing a Leopard for overalls and toting a tree for a club. In a deep voice you can hear him say, “I’z Gonna gets me some instigators. Anybody wanna joinz me?

You see, the one the thing Poppa loves best in life is his Castle, the one thing Poppa won’t stand for in life is a Hassle in his Castle!

Poppa
 

DeletedUser49295

Guest
Poppa’s Log Day 8

Well today started out with a purpose. I went around and told the farmers that they would have to increase production by 50% and like it OR ELSE! I had Hera going around passing out her “Happiness” sticks and everything was going smoothly. Then off on the horizon I see another attack coming in. Same as yesterday we started getting ready. This time I was against arming the citizens due to all the trouble they caused last time. They started running around with sticks and clubs whooping & hollering and poking’& jabbing at each other and anybody else they saw. They've got those cross-eyed soldiers of mine so stirred up they thought the battle had begun and started attacking each other. One good thing did come out of it however. Half my battalion of cross-eyed soldiers are now one-eyed soldiers that can see around corners.

Well this morning was no different. They sailed through the Harbor flippin’ us the Bird. Now again we got all of Iwanna’s inbred relatives running around with sticks in their hands. It took me 3 hrs to get them calmed down and back to work. I thought this would be a good time to take a break. I headed to the Palace bathroom to drop a couple buddies off at the pool and take a shower. I wasn’t gone 45 minutes. When I came back I was informed that another attack was on its way. These guys are REALLY starting to Chap My ! I promised Athena I would start worshiping her cause I heard she had an Owl that could go out and see who & what was coming. Well when the attack was coming I ran to the Temple to get the Owl. Well it seems that the Buzzard ain’t fueled up yet. Go figure!

To be on the safe side we bristled up AGAIN! Well this time was for REAL! They took out my Fleet, came ashore and tore into us. Watching from my Vantage Point Waaaaay up in the Castle all I could see was teeth, hair and eyeballs flying in all directions. Iwanna is down there right in the middle of it all in’ & Raisin' Hell with everybody. The citizens done threw their sticks and clubs up in the air and headed for the hills like the Revenuers were after ‘em. It looks like all is lost! If I could get down to the water unseen I’d be out of here on the next thing Floatin’!

Just as I was contemplating my escape Harpie shows up with some good news. She reports that as we speak there are over 28 alliance members sending support. She said it looks like a Regatta out there, and they’re all headed for the Bush! By Harpie’s rough count (her counting hasn’t been too good either after that swim home from Uncle Leo’s) there should be approximately 2500 troops on their way with an Armada of ships. Come morning this place is gonna look like Woodstock all over again. A warm feeling comes over the Woodman.

Poppa
 
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